Emma
Am so sorry treasure. My heart goes out to you, it really does.
As Kay has already said, many of us on Purrs know only too well what you're experiencing now - the hurt, the grief and the guilt over Ollie's loss.
We've lost two of our healthy, happy and vibrant young cats to the road in the last two years and it's devastating. I've wept many bitter tears over their loss.
However, I do want to say - and it's a heartfelt plea - please don't get sucked up into the blame game over this. It's very easy to say "what if" and "If only" but no matter what we do, we can't keep our cats 100% safe from all of life's ills and dangers. We have certain decision calls to make about how our cats get to live their lives with us, and none of them are a clear cut "right" or "wrong."
When it comes down to it, cats are wild creatures, and whilst many adapt happily to an indoor only life, others do not. There has been much heart-searching and soul-searching of our members as to which is the best way to deal with our cats' love of freedom, and each of us has to find our own compromise.
Personally, if I could cat proof our garden and my OH could be persuaded to agree with me, I'd keep my cats as indoor/outdoor but with the limit of their ability to roam being the confines of our garden.
Having said that, our previous cat Paddy (the one in my avatar) had a full 20 years roaming wherever and whenever he wanted, and at that time, we lived close to a busy main road and a busy metro line (I must've been out of my mind, but Paddy bless his paws was a sensible soul, and kept himself out of trouble for that whole 20 years).
I have friends who have indoor cats who are perfectly happy living as indoor cats, but even so, one of them has only recently had the devastating news one of her four year old cats is diabetic, and she struggles to deal with medicating him.
Some cats who live indoors end up almost out of their minds because they dont have the stimulation they need, and they hate the captivity.
It's not easy to predict in advance what a cat will respond to best from us - although sometimes there are clues there, which can help us to detect the kind of cat we may be signing up to - have a look at this link, which gives some useful indicators:
http://www.wayofcats.com/blog/cat-typesWe can only minimise the dangers - we can never eradicate them altogether.
You won't feel like doing so now, but Ollie shared 7 months of his all too short life with you, and reading between the lines of your post, they were happy and fulfilled days. Honour that joy that he felt, and be glad that whilst it was short, it was something he lived to the fullest, and you were actively making his days and nights happy ones. He had a loving, comfortable home to come back to, and the love you gave to him was returned in equal measure. That's his legacy.
That's the gift you gave each other.
Whenever we love, we invest. When we invest there'll always be a day when we're called to account - and usually far sooner than we would want or expect.
It's a wonderful part of the human condition that even knowing there's an inevitability of loss, we are - in the main - willing to hazard ourselves, because the rewards of loving are much more than the act itself.
Ollie had a life, and Ollie had your love. Keep hold of that love, and keep hold of his memory. In time, you'll feel able to move forward without the pain being uppermost. Let the good memories sustain you.
If it's any consolation, most of us who've had our hearts broken in this way have gone on to share our lives with cats again. I take neither of ours for granted, but I am thankful for every single day I have with them, however long or short that may be. I'm learning better how to live in the moment. Still got a way to go though.
Sweet Ollie - thinking of you, sweetheart. When you can, send your Mum a rainbow, eh?
