My cat is a bully. Please help me as I don't know where else to turn..

[tillywilly]

Hi

reading your post Lynds has brought tears to my eyes,

I too am going through the same thing.

I got a kitten (boy) in March, to be company to my Ragdoll (lady), oh how wrong was I,  my Ragdoll hates him.  We have tried everything thinkable, even had a behavorist out to us in May.  Things are better, but my Ragdoll still growles at him, swipes at him.  He does now as he is maturing ignoring her more, but still likes to jump on her when her back is turned.

I feel guilty for introducing him and making her life miserable.  They fight in the street, god knows what the neighbours think

Any way we've tried=
Feliway & bachs herbal remedies, which my husband was convinced both worked.
In keep thinking we are taking tiny, tiny steps everyday, and these things will take time.  A few people have said they have cats who do not get on, and they just learn to tollerate each other.  I guess these things take time.

Your not alone

[Lynds]

Oh that's a great story Dabs.

I was so upset the other night as Izzy was tucked up in bed next to me and Nobo just jumped from the floor, straight onto her and started attacking her! He doesn't seem to care I'm there and I think I may be the problem - jealously. Obviously Izzy being timid and running away doesn't help.

[dabs]

Well, he is called ASBO for a reason, when he first came in he needed on! 

He was the most spittiest, nervous bad tempered thing you have ever seen. He bit the hand of the rescuer that picked him from the vets post op after a couple of little things were dealt with! The rescuer ended up in hospital for 3 days having IV antibiotics as his arm and hand ballooned. Asbo shot off the table as he was being examined by the vet and wedged himself in a wall cavity under a cupboard and the vet ended up demolishing his examination room to get him out again.

Asbo spent weeks in my study hiding and it was orginally only me that sat in the same room for a couple of months with him just talking to him and putting food down. He was terrified of my then 13 year old son and OH. So we then progressed after a couple of months introducing him to the rest of the humans before intoducing him to other cats. This was important in case I was not around and Asbo needed to rescued from any trouble he got himself in. That did not take long as he was such a greedy cat, food was a great motivator!

We then let him roam around of a night with the others tucked safely away so he could smell them, he needed to get used to our two dogs as well. Gradual intros were then started after he felt brave enough to come downstairs by himself. My other cats after the intial hissing accepted him, but TJ wanted to be top cat and all my others were females, so TJ probably felt he had a point to prove! 

We let TJ and ASBO meet for the first time some four months after Asbo first came in and fur flew, so they were split up and we just kept trying and intervening when it got too bad. At one stage we did try the cage thing and something did click with TJ and then although he would try it on occassions after that we always split them up if it got too bad and split them up for hours to calm down.

Eventually they settled with a great deal of perseverance on both sides. They are now the best of friends and ASbo greets TJ when he comes in. TJ still does like to prove he is top cat on ocassions but they are soon friends again.

[Lynds]

I fully agree that Izzy is not helping herself. She is naturally encouraging Nobo to chase her. I sit there and will her to just stand up to him. She lashed out at him from under the bed and he got a sore one on the nose. It was rather funny as he just stood there, completely shocked, with blood coming down his wee nose.

I've thought of trying the cage but I fear I'll have the same issues as Val. Nobo will come up and blatantly have a go at Izzy when I have her next to me. He thinks it's hilarious. The fact he still does it when she's sitting there next to me does worry me, as she isn't running then. To be fair, she's not being aggressive back.

Dabs - I love the name ASBO  Did you try anything to help calm the situation with your boys?


Lynds

[Millys Mum]

I'm loathing the day I listened to the cat charity. I think she would have told me anything to take a couple of bloody cats. If only I'd picked them at the same time! Ah well.

What was their opinion on it?
Mixing 2 adult cats from different places is more risky, i think settling one fully ie longer than a week then introducing another is better, or you get both trying to be topcat at once. If the home belongs to one first intros are easier.

If you have insurance it should cover a consult with a professional behaviourist

[HaneyHarperIndyMum (Val)]

Because your cat does not stand up for herself and runs away, she is provoking the chase instinct in the aggressor. Similar to when a mouse runs, the cat chases. This is why some prey animals such as rabbits freeze when threatened as the threat will then lose interest.

This has been so true here too.  If Indy would not run from bully boy Haney, and just stand up for her self I'm sure we could move pass all this drama.  I really think that Haney ENJOYS the chase thus making this so hard to get pass this stage. 

I've tried the cage thing too, since I also had it recommended to me as well.  Haney still would try and intimidate poor Indy by lying right down next to it or on top of it.  I ended up having to cover the top of the cage with a towel so Haney would stop.  Indy was so frighten that I stop using the cage.  I mean she was really so afraid I thought she was going to have a heart attack.  Of course, this was early on in the intros so maybe I should give that another try and see what happens? 

 

[dabs]

Hi

I have been thru this myself and know how stressing it is for all concerned, feline and human!

With two of my lads it took them 18 months to settle, now ASBO (the bullied) greets TJ (the bully) like a long lost friend when they get together. They still have the odd spat, but always in the garden, never in the house now.

Because your cat does not stand up for herself and runs away, she is provoking the chase instinct in the aggressor. Similar to when a mouse runs, the cat chases. This is why some prey animals such as rabbits freeze when threatened as the threat will then lose interest.

Have you thought about a dog crate, where you can put the bullied cat, with food, tray etc. She will feel safe because the bully cannot get to her and furthermore she will not be able to run, therefore not provoking the chase instinct in the aggressor. This will also allow controlled introductions and scent exchange which is an important part of introductions.

[Lynds]

Hi Gillian,

If only it was equal hating on my turf. A girl can dream!

So who do I shut in? I mean Nobo is used to getting the run of the house and to shut her in one place, won't she be upset/confused?

I'm loathing the day I listened to the cat charity. I think she would have told me anything to take a couple of bloody cats. If only I'd picked them at the same time! Ah well.

Although I've read quite a number of stories on here of people who have just let the cats meet and get on with it. I'm clearly unlucky here.

Lynds x

[Gillian Harvey]

I agree with Gill, you may have to go back and start from scratch and reintroduce, theres still no guarantees that that will work, but leaving them to sort it out between them is defintely not the way to go. Ideally intros should be done slowly, with the cats not even meeting face to face for a while, so that each cat has a chance to get used to the scents and sounds of the other, then face to face meetings phased in. That way, you stand a good chance of them accepting each other (doesnt always work though!) If you do the intros too soon and things go wrong right from the start its very hard, as you have found, to get back on track.

I have been successful with slow intros over the years, until I adopted Jasper (together with his lifelong friend Zeta) about 18 months ago, despite doing slow, careful intros, Jasper and long time resident Harry will never see eye to eye, although there is now a level of tolerance - just, and I would certainly intervene if things escalated into anything more than a growl or hiss. But thats different from what you are experiencing -with Jasper and Harry there is no bullying or constant hounding of one or the other - they just loathe each other in equal measures!

The slow intro method would be worth at least trying, because if you do and it works, then thats great, if it still doesnt do the trick, then you'll know its probably never going to work and rehoming may be the only option.

[Lynds]

Advice to me from a behaviourist was to start introductions again as if they have never met but this time to do it on a seperation tack and do it very very slowly and do not let them meet at all.

I dont know if this will work but its likely that it stands a chance cos cats dont recognize each other by sight only by smell.

If you dont know how to do this and want to try, please pm me and i will give you the details.

But you must beare in mind that this could take months but may be your only solution other than rehoming one 

Hi Gill,

Thanks for replying. I appreciate your efforts. I'll drop you a PM. I was thinking about potentially re-homing one of them, but I just can't. I guess if it were 7 or 8 months down the line and Izzy was becoming depressed etc then I'd need to think about her more than me. I just don't want to go there yet; not until I've exhausted every option as I love them both so much.

Lynds x

[Lynds]

Lyndsey,

I am having the exact same problem in my house too.  I had two cats and just recently introduced the third, who is female.  My Top Cat, Haney is such a bully too.  My new female, Indy, is so sweet and sounds much like your Izzy.  I have had Indy now for 5+ weeks and I am still dealing with all the same issues that you are.  It really has disrupted my household to have these two cats not getting along.  I feel your pain.  I had to take Indy to the vet's yesterday because Haney has caused two wounds on her from the cat fights.  One of the wounds turned into an abscess which required medical treatment and a shot of an antibiotic.  Just like you, I am at the end of my rope with Haney being such a big bully.  My vet assures me that it will get better in time.  He told me that even though my cat introductions have been over 5 weeks so far, that this really is not usual for this to take even longer.  It could take several months before they learn to just tolerate each other. 

Don't give up,  just keep doing what you are doing and hopefully in a few more weeks or so you will begin to see them settle down.  Just the fact that you came home to discover Nobo and Izzy sleeping right next to each other is a major sign that things will work out between them.  My newcomer cat Indy still has not be allowed to do that from Top Cat Haney here.   Like you, I too will have Indy sitting next to me when Haney comes into the room because she feels safe if I am with her, but my vet warned me not to show Indy to much loving attention when Haney is present because that will only make Haney dislike Indy more.  My vet said it is best to show the extra attention to the Top Cat so he will still feel special and not become jealous of the new cat.  So be very careful there.  Also, since your Izzy is always on alert to watch out for Nobo coming into her space, which is how it is here too with Indy and Haney, my vet said to make sure that Haney has a bell on his collar so that it alerts Indy when he is coming up the stairs.  This has been very positive for Indy and she will now lay on top of my bed for a long time now, but the second she hears Haney's bell, she dashes underneath the bed.

Good Luck my friend.  I hope your cats and my cats can soon put down the boxing gloves so we all live in peace and harmony.   

Hi Val,

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I read every word - twice! It's been two months for me now and I've heard people say it can take up to a year! It's funny you mention showing extra attention to the bully as I started to do that more last week. I was worried I was cuddling her too much and "rescuing" her etc so I started to have more Nobo and mum time together. Ironically it's the last few days that he's turned into the anti-christ!

Just reading your story Val has made me feel ever so slightly better; not that I'd wish this situation on anyone!

Let's keep in touch and hope for the best.

Lynds x

[Gill (sneakiefeline)]

Advice to me from a behaviourist was to start introductions again as if they have never met but this time to do it on a seperation tack and do it very very slowly and do not let them meet at all.

I dont know if this will work but its likely that it stands a chance cos cats dont recognize each other by sight only by smell.

If you dont know how to do this and want to try, please pm me and i will give you the details.

But you must beare in mind that this could take months but may be your only solution other than rehoming one 

[HaneyHarperIndyMum (Val)]

Lyndsey,

I am having the exact same problem in my house too.  I had two cats and just recently introduced the third, who is female.  My Top Cat, Haney is such a bully too.  My new female, Indy, is so sweet and sounds much like your Izzy.  I have had Indy now for 5+ weeks and I am still dealing with all the same issues that you are.  It really has disrupted my household to have these two cats not getting along.  I feel your pain.  I had to take Indy to the vet's yesterday because Haney has caused two wounds on her from the cat fights.  One of the wounds turned into an abscess which required medical treatment and a shot of an antibiotic.  Just like you, I am at the end of my rope with Haney being such a big bully.  My vet assures me that it will get better in time.  He told me that even though my cat introductions have been over 5 weeks so far, that this really is not usual for this to take even longer.  It could take several months before they learn to just tolerate each other. 

Don't give up,  just keep doing what you are doing and hopefully in a few more weeks or so you will begin to see them settle down.  Just the fact that you came home to discover Nobo and Izzy sleeping right next to each other is a major sign that things will work out between them.  My newcomer cat Indy still has not be allowed to do that from Top Cat Haney here.   Like you, I too will have Indy sitting next to me when Haney comes into the room because she feels safe if I am with her, but my vet warned me not to show Indy to much loving attention when Haney is present because that will only make Haney dislike Indy more.  My vet said it is best to show the extra attention to the Top Cat so he will still feel special and not become jealous of the new cat.  So be very careful there.  Also, since your Izzy is always on alert to watch out for Nobo coming into her space, which is how it is here too with Indy and Haney, my vet said to make sure that Haney has a bell on his collar so that it alerts Indy when he is coming up the stairs.  This has been very positive for Indy and she will now lay on top of my bed for a long time now, but the second she hears Haney's bell, she dashes underneath the bed.

Good Luck my friend.  I hope your cats and my cats can soon put down the boxing gloves so we all live in peace and harmony.   

[Lynds]

I got Nobo (a boy) in August and then 1 week later I adopted Izzy (a girl). I was recommended the "leave them to it" option but it's not worked in my favour. Nobo has not taken kindly to Izzy coming into "his" home. She's such a friendly wee thing and doesn't have a bad bone in her body. She's very sociable with cats, but he's having none of it. Nobo is such a laid back cat and extremely sociable but with her...it's like he's a different cat. He's pure evil around her. I have to feed her upstairs and him downstairs. She has her own litter tray upstairs that he now insists on using.

It's got to the point where she won't come downstairs at all; choosing to stay upstairs in the master bedroom, my office or the box room. When Nobo comes upstairs, she hides under the bed. She's very good at growling and lashing out if he comes too close but she just won't stand up to him. Izzy runs as soon as she sees him, which clearly makes her the weak one and a very big target. When I come to bed, she'll come up next to me and I've tried holding her next to me when he appears which seems to work, as he'll come up and try to hit her and she can't move. He then backs off and she goes to sleep next to me. A few days ago I went out for a few hours and came home and they were both sleeping right next to each other. I was so happy I got quite emotional.

Things seemed to settle for a couple of weeks but over the last three or four days it's become a living nightmare. He bullies her non stop and I now have to intervene on a daily basis. I should stress that I've tried leaving them to it for quite a few weeks and only jumping in when it gets very violent: I'm aware that if I keep defending her, she'll rely on me and never stand up for herself.

I let them both outdoors for the first time a couple of days ago as I've heard outdoor cats will generally settle down quicker than indoor ones. He now bullies her outdoors too. I've tried letting her out first then him, and vice versa. He just drives her under this "bolt hole" under the decking and then comes back to the kitchen door (I have french windows in the kitchen which I leave open for them) and sits waiting for her. As soon as she comes from under the decking, he's away chasing her again.

About 20 mins ago Izzy took the brave step of coming downstairs herself, which is the first time she's done this in over 6 weeks. He just chased her upstairs and beat the crap out of her. I treat them equally, which sometimes is hard when I see what he does to her.


What can I do? Please, please help me as it's tearing my heart.

I love them both so much but I can't go on like this much longer.

Lyndsey