Charlie has moved out! Don't know what to do

[Beanie]

Hi MaddiesMum,

My earlier comments regarding abruptness were a response to Gill’s comments down the board, where she inferred that my comments may be taken wrongly but added that she didn’t think I meant to be offensive. I am not entirely sure why she felt the need to say that but, regardless, I wanted to put the record straight.

I’m glad to see that you have come to an arrangement with your neighbour. I have found stray cats are very difficult to predict. All of them are pleased with regular love and attention, although the bedding in and trust period can take a lot of time. It always has to be done on their terms and not forced.

We have Katie who lived as a stray. She was described by Celia Hammond’s rescue as a feral cat when they neutered her as part of a colony but having spent a lot of quality time with her letting her know that life can be good. She initially avoided human contact but I am convinced she was only semi-feral and has enjoyed human kindness in the past.

Anyway, Katie loves to stay indoors and rarely ventures out. It is as if she is saying, I have spent over 6 years fending for myself and my early litter(s) in all weathers and I prefer home. Other stray cats can’t wait to get out again. If only we knew exactly what their previous life had taught them!

Charlie needs to know that your home is his permanent home and the information you kindly provided indicates to me that you are working hard towards that. He is presumably used to scavenging and will recall visiting various neighbours, who fed him hence the problem.

I hope that your neighbour doesn’t discourage him from temporary visits but draws the line at food and treats, as you will be providing them. She will hopefully realize that this stray has fallen on his feet. Equally, I hope that it doesn’t put her off showing compassion should any other stray visit in the future.

Keep up the good work.

[Maddiesmum]

LOL MM.  He's been a good boy today, in and out of here, visited Pat but didn't settle

[Millys Mum]

The only one thing I can think of is it is me that did his ear drops for 4 weeks, me that had him neutered and vaccinated, me that gave him his antibiotics, me that deflead him

As a free spirited stray who, as far as he is concerned, doesnt have an owner the above could be whats pushed him out. Hes used to scrounging at multiple houses so when his chosen one got a bit too much he thinks sod this im going next door to hang out with the hot girl 

[Bazsmum]

Sending positive vibes for Charlie....meowmy  you no need to wander! 

[Gill (sneakiefeline)]

I am very pleased that you and Pat had a long chat and thats the best way of resolving things, if you can do it 

Sounds like its all up to Charlie now and him understanding that he has a nice home and doesnt need to be a scavenger any more.........come on Charlie, you can do it 

[Rosella moggy]

Hopefully we have resolved this amicably last night.  Pat came in and we had a long chat.  I told her how I felt and that it was so soon after the loss of Dragan and she was calmer.  We both understand that Charlie has a mind of his own and even if I keep him in eventually he will make his way to visit his friends.  So she will not feed him and if he settles for the night we will bring him home each time.  Hope this works.

Really pleased for you MM

[Maddiesmum]

Beanie, you didn't offend me or anything.  I said that the written word has no tone and I have often been accused of being abrupt myself.  Your post made me think and that was important but the only thing I can think of is the vet visits and lack of chicken (now remedied, at least the chicken is).  Please do not feel like an intruder.  Everyone has something to offer on this site and the support is fantastic.  Please be around more and thank you for taking the time and trouble to respond.

[Beanie]

Just a rel;atively brief note for now.

I certainly meant no offence. I realised that I couldn't add anything to the sympathy expressed and I generally leave that for the better equipped on here,  I tried to take a positive practical in depth look in trying to look for possible reasons for the shared home. If it came over as abrupt, then please accept my apologies. I realise that sometimes I can be abrupt but that is usually deliberate and always when animal cruelty or abuse is involved so clearly not relevant in this case.

I am an infrequent visitor to this site these days for a number of reasons. I always felt that I had positive things to add and, indeed, learn and generally felt welcome but now it makes feel like an unwanted intruder at times. Anyway, I digress. I was unaware of Charlie's history or any previous threads.

I will have a good hard think when I return from work and see if I can come up with anything positive which may help the situation.

[gibraltarcat]

I'm so pleased that you were able to chat to Pat and she could see your concern over Charlie.
Hopefully he'll soon cotton on to where his home base really is.

[Maddiesmum]

Hopefully we have resolved this amicably last night.  Pat came in and we had a long chat.  I told her how I felt and that it was so soon after the loss of Dragan and she was calmer.  We both understand that Charlie has a mind of his own and even if I keep him in eventually he will make his way to visit his friends.  So she will not feed him and if he settles for the night we will bring him home each time.  Hope this works.

[Rosella moggy]

Have read this thread through and it's a tricky situation. You really mustn't fall out with neighbour over Charlie.  Quite apart from the fact that you are likely to need her help at some point in future, uncomfortable situations with neighbours are simply horrible. Do you mind me mentioning that you are prob still grieving and feeling fragile in a sensitive situation? 

I can see your neighbour's point about it being a pain having to move her cats' food bowls if Charlie is about but I assume she can stop the chicken treats easy enough.

If I were in your shoes, I would treat Charlie as any other new arrival and keep him inside for 3 or 4 weeks and give him lots of treats.  It's great that you are at home a lot so you can firm up your bond with him. Should be easy enough if he likes chicken so much.  Whilst you have taken on responsibility for providing a caring home for Charlie, I don't think he knows that yet. 

Our Tom came to us aged 4 weeks with his mum.  His mum moved out about 3 months later after similar situation with neighbours who initially kept bringing her home but she obv preferred their house so we gave in and went and got Gandolf.  Actually we have "sourced" neighbours last 4 cats in one way or another

Our Dingle used to go to another neighbour's and loudly demand her chicken daily and come home for her 2nd lot of chiken from us  .

I'm not saying Charlie will be happier with Pat, just that he has been the wandering minstrel for a while and you need to do something to break that habit. Force (i.e. locking in) and bribery might just do it.

[chris91011]

I've only just seen this thread,
sorry to hear what's happening, she sounds very incensetive to me! either that or she just does'nt realise the upset she is causing, but if you've been friends for so long maybe you can sort something out, perhaps you could say something like 'i don't mind him coming round to yours, but don't forget to send him home!' say it as a joke!

i hope it works out for you 'and' Charlie.
Chris.

[berties mum]

This is bang out of order    I had the same situation with one of my neighbours and I frightened him into stopping by telling him Minnie had a special diet and the food he was giving her was making her sick, so I'd be forced to send him the vet bill if he kept feeding her 

[ccmacey]

Sounds like Charlie is having his cake and eating it 

Now I know his story it's sounding like he doesnt know where he lives, especially being fed else where.

BC fancy writing a letter to the PDSA? 

[Gill (sneakiefeline)]

I think definately the ear treatment and other meds will have upset him and he probably views you with mistrust but if thats all finished now , he should settle again,..........hopes 

[blackcat]

crikey, the pressures on then !!!

Can you PM anything you don't want to post here, and maybe draft a note for your neighbour for me to edit? I am much better at editing other peoples work than drafting from scratch 

[Maddiesmum]

Thanks for the comments/suggestions.  Re Beanie's post it did come across as a bit abrupt but as there is no tone to the written word I haven't take any offence.  To answer Beanie's questions:

1) I am at home as no longer work.  I play with Charlie for approximately 3 hours during the day and evening, we play ball, with Da Bird, with the wiggly waggler and catnip mice.  He is approximately one year old and he gets plenty of cuddles and strokes.

2) I have no other pets

3) Everyone who regularly visits my house love him to bits and always make time to fuss him.

4) He has two beds.  One in the lounge for when he wants to be amongst us and one in the bedroom for when he wants some peace and quiet.  No one is allowed to disturb him when he is in his bed.

Beanie, you may not be aware of Charlie's history.  He was a stray in my neighbourhood and my neighbour and three others fed him and let him stay the night.  I lost my 17 year old cat at the end of January in tragic circumstances and four days later Charlie decided he was moving in with me.  I have never tried to stop him visiting his old friends and am glad that he has them to look out for him.  However he started returning to my neighbour's at the end of his day and settling down there for the night which I am not happy about. 

This caused a bit of animosity between us because my neighbour would not help by not feeding him chicken and allowing him to settle.

I have discussed it again with her today and she now says she wont let him in and will squirt water at him!!!  In the next breath she said he can live there if he wants to.  I asked her to be vigilant about feeding him and she said she can't remember to move her cats' bowls if Charlie is around.

Today he has been back here and has come back to sleep.  I don't want to fall out with my neighbour and it is early days for Charlie, but I do want him to understand that this is now his home and he is no longer a wandering minstrel!  The only one thing I can think of is it is me that did his ear drops for 4 weeks, me that had him neutered and vaccinated, me that gave him his antibiotics, me that deflead him. 

I will look forward to any suggestions from BC

[Gill (sneakiefeline)]

Maddie I hope that you dont take Beanies comments the wrong way cos am sure he hasnt meant any offence but maybe he is not fully aware of your situation after Dragan passed to the Bridge. 

I am sure there must be a way of sorting this out with your neighbour as you have known her so long and she has helped you so much in the past.

Bc is very good at coming up with good ways to talk to people and paying attention to the positive, so maybe she can further help to try and give you a tactic to make this appraoch work well.

I am afraid that I am not so good so cant suggest the best way but I do hope it gets sorted out quickly for yours and Charlies sake.

He looks so at home in his pictures and very happy 

[sheryl]

I really feel for you Maddiesmum, its hard to know what to suggest because cats are such "free spirits" keeping my fingers crossed that Charlie settles down and realises where he is best off   

I think your comments are a little bit insensitive Beanie.

[Michelle (furbabystar)]

I really feel for you but i think the above post is good. Is there a reason why he wants to be next door rather than in with you ?

My Mum had this problem with her neighbour (but the other way round)
Her neighbours cat Jovi would always be in my Mums house because she didnt like the grandchildren that had moved in - although my Mum wouldnt feed Jovi as she said Jovi needed to go home for dinner as that was her home!
My neighbour wasnt over happy with Jovi being in with my Mum but sort of excepted it in the end.
My Mum would worm and flea Jovi as the neighbour never did it and when Jovi had a stroke it was Me and my Mum who took her to the vets BUT my Mum did ring her neighbour when she was PTS althought it was MY MUM who paid !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really dont know the answer to your problem - If i was you i would speak to your neighbour and tell her how upset you are about Charlie wanting to be in with her and see what she says (use tears if you have to !)

[Beanie]

I've just seen this thread. I am not going to dwell on the rights or wrongs of your problems with your neighbour right now.

I would go back to Black cat's well considered comments below about food and medication. However, whilst I don't obviously know your situation in any detail,  I think it would be worth asking yourself the following:

1. Do you spend any quality time with your cat and do you honestly think it is sufficient? I don't know his age but most cats respond to owner's time in playing or fussing them.

2. Do you have any other animals who he either gets on with or not a sthe case may be?

3. Does he get on and receive warm attention from everyone else in your household and from regular visitors?

4. Does he have his own bed and toys and an area in the house to which he can retreat when he wants to be alone?

In other words, I think you could have a hard cold look at what you provide for your cat. Only then, can you consider making positive adjustments and entice him home for the right reasons. I am not saying you are wrong in what you are doing, just that a re-evaluation may help both you and the cat. I do it as a matter of course regularly and I'm not in your situation. Sometimes I could kick myself for not being more sensitive to all our cats' needs.

Give it a shot.

[Maddiesmum]

He came home but was very very hungry and very very tired so I think that maybe she didn't lock him in when she went to work.  He is also very jumpy! It is a very difficult situation really as Pat is a very very good friend to me and has given me a lot of support and friendship over the years.  In fact there are times when I don't know how I would have coped without her.  She looked after Dragan when I worked, gave him his food and his meds and checked on him regularly and she looked after my dog as well.  She also comes to the vet with me (as I do with her) so wouldn't be able to blag about Charlie's meds, diet, health etc.  She is very set in her ways and a very rigid thinker and it is difficult to convince her.  When I said I would rather Charlie wasn't fed and allowed to settle she said that I hadn't minded when Pepsi (my dog) used to visit her through a hole in the fence etc.  The difference was Pepsi didn't want to stay over.  I will have a think about it and try and approach her again.  I truly do not mind Charlie going for visits and having a play with Rosie etc.  He visits several neighbours and is friendly with some of the cats and I want him to enjoy himself and have a good social circle.  I didn't contact her last night and she didn't contact me so she doesn't know that Charlie is home.  Any ideas on how I could approach this without falling out with her would be appreciated.

[ccmacey]

I would keep him in. Dont let her stake a claim on your cat. You have not had him long have you? Maybe he just needs to know where his home is.

Tell her he needs meds and he cant be fed by others cos he needs his meds at the same time, or tell her he is diabetic and has special food which you pay for and are not prepared to waste then the cat gets sick. If she really cares for him she would stop knowing this.

[barney]

This all sounds very heartless  behaviour from your neighbour, especially after what you went through with Dragan and it all being so recent. It does sound very similar to what happened between myself and a neighbour of mine. The police were as much use as a fridge is to an Eskimo, saying that it is not possible to steal a cat under the theft act 3 times I had this response from the bigwig on the police station reception. So I just wrote a letter to the chief constable of Essex, telling him that if nothing was done to resolve the issue I would take the matter up with my MP. Fortunately Mollie came back on her own accord but the neighbour also had a police visit within 72hrs, the neighbour no longer talks to me but I can live with that I will admit I just wanted to give her a slap though And this nonsense went on and on for over six months.
I'd be inclined to tell a fib and say that you and Charlie have a vets appointment on Wednesday morning, if your neighbour has an ounce of decency she will hand Charlie back...

[Gill (sneakiefeline)]

I would be very very upset in your place and she is obviously not just feeding him but shutting him inside, which is out of order.

I agrre with the others that you need to pamper him too so he opts to stay at home but reckon that him being missing so long is more likely to be that she has shut him in so he cant come home.

I am afraid this is time to tell her that Charlie is your cat and she must not encourage him into her house and definately not lock him in as this.................ummmmmmmmm lie a bit I think...............an offence under the Animal Welfare Act and you will be obliged to call in the police and the RSPCA.

Tell her he is chipped and registered as your property so if she locks him in this is theft.

I would also say that Charlie is currently having treatment from the vet and he must have his medication everyday...............worms or even better ringworm . could be the reason    Point out that ring worm is very infectious to humans 

I think Charlie would come home if he could but she is making him confused, especially as he has only been with you such a short time.

I do hope this can be settled without causing you and Charlie any more upset 

[bluecat]

see how keen shes is when it comes to taking proper care of charlie with the vets bills etc  Very easy to give treats all the time not so easy to take full responsibility 

[gibraltarcat]

What a sad situation for you. I so hope it can be sorted out with your neighbour quickly to stop your distress.

[Desley (booktigger)]

Legally, Charlie is yours cos the chipping will be in your name, but it is tricky, it does sound so much like my situation with Ginger - my requests not to let him eat etc fell on deaf ears, they claimed they couldn't hear him - yet I put a metal name tag and 2 bells on his collar, I could hear him waaaay before I saw him. I had to accept it in the end, and just go and bring him home every day.

[Sam (Fussy_Furball)]

Ahhh I didn't realise she was encouraging by feeding him.  I can totally understand why your are upset. 

My next door neighbour has a cat that thinks my house is part of his house and he regularly comes in when I open the door for Zephyr.  He eats the biccies (beacuse they are nicer than he has at home!  ) and often has a snooze on the sofa.  Whenever his Mum goes away she asks me to look after him .... but he NEVER stays over and is always put to bed in his own home at night.

[Tiggy's Mum]

Poor you    I'm sure Charlie loves you but it's hard for him if he's being tempted by treats and no rules at the neighbours house.  I would speak to her and lay it on thick how Charlie is all you have after losing your beloved Dragan, she has her own pets to love and cherish so I think she is out of order trying to 'steal' Charlie

[tigerbaby]

Completely out of order. She shouldn't feed him - cats like going where they know they get nice food. By doing this she is only encouraging him to keep coming! I can't help but thinking she probably enjoys it too - like a power trip. (maybe I'm wrong). She is very selfish and should HELP you getting him to come back, and not making the problem worse by letting him come in all the time.
You are right to feel upset, any loving cat owner would.
Hope you find some kind of solution to the problem - maybe try keeping him indoors?
Let us know how you get on.
Much love and thoughts.

[Susanne (urbantigers)]

I don't blame you for being upset.  I would be too.  it sounds as though she's encouraging Charlie and making her home a nice place for him to be.  Is she feeding him?  I would ask her not to encourage him, to turn him out of the house if he wanders in and to NOT feed him.  Tell her you know she means well (although she maybe doesn't  ) but that he is your cat and you're upset that he's spending so much time at her house so would prefer it if she would not encourage him.  If she won't agree, then you might have to consider keeping him inside for a while to re-establish your house as his home.  Is it possible for you to catproof your garden?  The only alternative is to leave things as they are and let Charlie choose where he wants to be.  But if he's spending a considerable amount of time in her home, you will have to sort out exactly whose cat he is, and who is responsible for vet bills etc.

[JackSpratt]

What she can do is discourage Charlie from using her home as a dosshouse!

I can completely understand you being upset and offended - after all, we try our best by our cats and when they take this course of action it feels as though it just isn't good enough to them.

BC is right, if all he gets there is treats and a free reign he's going to choose there - they don't understand the gank on their neck is for their own good!

Keep giving him little treats and fuss, after all that's what she's doing!

[Maddiesmum]

He just came home through the cat flap so she mustn't have locked him in as she is still at work. Anyway I have no idea where he has been this morning, he is very hungry, (just had lunch) and tired.  I have closed the cat flap for now but don't really want to keep him a prisoner as he so loves going out.  I will see if she contacts me when she gets home from work to see if he is here.  I might be tempted to say no!  It is a shame really as we have been good friends for 19 years but she wont accept that she is doing anything wrong and just keeps sayng "what can I do?"  Will keep you posted. 

[Gillian Harvey]

Me i would consider keeping Charlie at home and pampering him with treats, or even having the garden cat-proofed so wandering next door is not an option.

Yes I think that would be worth a try, I know you don't want to forcibly keep him at home - but a bit of bribery can work wonders! If its the promise of a bit of chicken that keeps him going back there - then two can play at that game!

I am extremely upset and should add that my neighbour has done this before.   She accused me of being childish last night when I said if that's what he wants then he can stay.

She is clearly out of order accusing you of being childish and I don't blame you for feeling upset, I would too, how would SHE feel if it was her cat going AWOL? She is wrong to feed him - maybe you could tell a white lie that he's only meant to eat a prescription diet - would that work do you think?

[blackcat]

sounds like at your house he gets meds and other interventions whereas at hers he gets treats and 'do what you will', so any sensible cat would opt for hers. However, as you say, all this comes at a price to Charlie - he doesn't get proper medical care etc if she takes him on.

Me i would consider keeping Charlie at home and pampering him with treats, or even having the garden cat-proofed so wandering next door is not an option. Clearly you are feeling emotional about this so perhaps the best idea would be to put your concerns down on paper through the neighbour's letterbox, rather than trying to have a conversation. We here are more than happy to help you draft the note.

It should focus on the pros and cons for Charlie, and will also be a useful exercise for you to work out what it is about this that is upsetting you, so any approach to the neighbour can be more objective ...

What a horrid situation to be in

[Mark]

responsibility would fall on me with none of the pleasure (sounds selfish that doesn't it)

Not at all.

If her cats aren't treated, he is probably getting re-infested in her house 

I think the animal wefare bill should include jabs & flea/worm treatment.

[Dawn F]

I don't blame you for being upset, is there anyway you could keep him indoors for a bit longer to settle into living with you?

[Maddiesmum]

I am extremely upset and should add that my neighbour has done this before.  The two cats she has now previously belonged to another neighbour who eventually moved and said she felt she had no option but to leave them at Pat's.  She has now gone to work and shut Charlie in her house.  I have paid for him to be blood tested, neutered, chipped, vaccinated, wormed and de-flead but this is not the issue.  Her cats are not vaccinated although she does have her dog done.  I don't know what to do.  I don't really think sharing him is an option as all the responsibility would fall on me with none of the pleasure (sounds selfish that doesn't it) and I don't want to fall out with her but to be honest I think she is out of order as I asked her not to feed him and she kept giving him chicken etc.  I want him to come home but only of his own free will, ie I don't want to forcibly drag him home every day.  I want Charlie to be happy even though this is making me very upset and hurt.  She accused me of being childish last night when I said if that's what he wants then he can stay.

[Mark]

I would find it upsetting. There is also the issue of vet bills etc. Who would be responsible for Charlie's welfare?