Any advice for the recently bereaved?

[Desley (booktigger)]

i agree with the others - some people can cope with one that looks quite similar, I dont think I could. Dont apologise to us though.

[clarenmax]

You'll know when the time is right, and which is the right cat for you 

[Gill (sneakiefeline)]

Sorry that Tori was not the one 

However most sites with info about bereavement do recommend that you do not get another cat which is similiar to the one passed to the Bridge.

I adore blue cats and after nearly 5 years, think I could cope with one but I certainly couldnt back then.

[maryas]

Take your time - you'll know when the right one is there for you.  I must admit I am so glad that Bonnie is different to Smudge in every way I can think.  But both have my love 100%

Mary 

[Corporal Smokey]

thanks Des and all. we did a bit of soul searching. it turned out that tori wasn't right for us right now, probably because she is too similar to josh. oh wants new cat to be quite different and I understand. sorry it's not a happy ending.....yet....

[maryas]

That's fantastic and YES I used 3 tissues 

Mary

[Desley (booktigger)]

This is a poem I always share with people in this situation. You might want a tissue though. I am normally a 'go to the rescue quite quickly' kind of person (in fact, this is the first time I have lost a cat and not felt the need to go to the rescue), I see it as honouring their memory, that I can help another needy cat, and share the love I still have to give.

Last Will and Testament of a Cat

I too, would make a will
if I could write
To some poor wistful, lonely
stray I leave my happy home.
My dish, my cosy bed
my cushioned chair, my toy.
The well loved lap
The gently stroking hand
The loving voice
The place I made in someone's heart
The love, that at the last
Could help me to a peaceful,
painless end
Held in loving arms
If I should die
Oh, do not say
"No more a pet I'll have
To grieve me by its loss"
Seek out a lonely, unloved cat
And give my place to him.
This is my legacy
the love I leave behind
Tis all I have to give

Margaret Trowton

[JackSpratt]

Grief takes a while for anyone, Amy. I've lost three cats in as many years and although there have been feline newcomers to our family who I love dearly, I still miss Tobes, Jack and Parsley.

The thing you have to think about is the fact that Tori needs your love, and Josh will always have it.

I always feel a pang of disloyalty when a newbie comes until I realise that no matter how many cats come into our home, the love I have for the ones I've lost will never leave.

[Mark]

Not much to add other than there is no better tribute to a loved and lost kitty than to offer another needy one a home 

[Fire Fox]

If you were somehow 'forced' to care for five cats from tomorrow you would love them all within days, but you wouldn't forget the ones who have gone to the bridge. I am typing one finger right handed as Noah is purring his little heart out, chin and cheek on my left arm.  Can't imagine ever being without that.

[Angiew]

I always feel that I owe it to the memory of my bridge cats to get another one. As the bridge list grows longer, I feel more compelled to offer some other poor cat(s) a home.
All the rescue work I do is in honour of the ones i have loved and lost (not forgetting the ones I still have with me of course!).

If you feel you are ready to take on another one then go for it. It is never about replacing......

[Lottie (Team Svartalfheim's)]

It's a bit different as I would still have got Orion even if Bilbo had recovered but I had been looking for a new boy for ages and couldn't find the right one anywhere and then when Bilbo was really poorly and he was snuggled up on my lap when I was perusing breeder lists and he nudged my hand (I used to find it so annoying but now I think it was quite cute that he always wanted to help with whatever you were doing  ) and I found a website I'd never found before and came across Orion who was exactly what I had been looking for for many months. The day Orion's breeders said yes they would happily keep him for the 11 months to do his passport time was the same day Bilbo was pts. I was so so heartbroken about Bilbo that I couldn't allow myself to be happy about Orion at all as I felt it was somehow betraying Bilbo but the day we got Bilbo's ashes back I was sent some new photos of Orion and you could see a rainbow in the corner of their lounge window in one of them and I know it was just a coincidence but it made me feel a bit more at peace if that makes sense. From then on I allowed myself to be happy as Bilbo would never have wanted me to mope about him forever and he'd have wanted me to give the love I gave him to another cat.

I think if you feel that you can give Tori the home she needs then do it. I bet Smokey would be thrilled that you could help Tori and give her the same love and kindness you gave him 

[Rosella moggy]

Will certainly be watching Tori's thread ......

I too have opted to rehome when I lost a loved one except Thomas RIP (still on my mobile) but Noni had arrived just a few months before he left us. 

Following Aslan's RTA (which followed on the heels of 3 human deaths that same month) I think I went a little mad and went to RSPCA 2 days later.  Some Purrs peeps might recall my ravings about local RSPCA not arranging homecheck quickly enough so I could collect Freddie and I visited him once or twice a day for the next 8 days and wrote to the manager of RSPCA branch complaining at delay  . 

You must do what you are comfortable with though but.... my oh my, isn't Tori a babe 

[Corporal Smokey]

I was reluctant to get another cat when Magpie died (that's him in my avatar) but I knew Jaffa needed some company when I was out at work (he was very depressed when we lost Magpie and became very clingy) and I knew I wanted 2 cats.  When I got Mosi, he had a lot to live up to and I did almost resent him at first for being there instead of Magpie, if you know what I mean. 

See this is another thing. Smokey has always been clingy but he just meows constantly now to be picked up. We both work although oh is at home sometimes and I just wonder what he gets up to on his own for 8 hours a day (the cat not the boyfriend  ). I think the fact that I'm even asking shows that I've made some kind of desicion in my heart; I'm just trying to justify it. Oh will be even harder to convince. We'll find out tomorrow...watch Tori's thread...

[Michelle (furbabystar)]

I lost Issey in the September and got Dooey is the october ......
I don't think it is replacing but I find it helps with the greif process to have another one to love (although I had 8 others, I needed a baby)

I think you should go for it 

[Leanne]

I think its a very personal decision that only you can make.

Like Gill said the Blue Cross have an excellent bereavement service (http://www.bluecross.org.uk/web/site/AboutUs/PetBereavement/PBSSIntro.asp) if you did want to talk, write etc to someone.

  to you

[clarenmax]

I know everyone is different, but if you're already thinking about adopting the gorgeous Tori, then you should follow your heart 

When I lost Max I was absolutely devastated, I literally felt as though my heart had been torn in two, and didn't think I'd ever feel better, and that was a horrid, horrid feeling. 

BUT, having an empty house felt much, much worse    It was pure fate I think that we heard about Patch the little FIV boy, and it was a foregone conclusion that we'd adopt him, even before we'd even met him, as I truly believe it was destiny, and Max having his way from the Bridge 

Like Helen, I did wonder if I'd feel guilty, was I somehow betraying Max's memory by adopting another cat so soon, but it didn't feel that way in the slightest.  I knew I could offer a fab home to little Pootypants, and it just felt right, so it was decision made really.

For every second of the day I miss my Maxy, and I still do every minute, there's a minute of every day where I smile at something Poot's done, when he's curled up on me zonked out and dreaming, even when I'm at work and know that I'll get lots of headbutts in the kitchen to say hello when I get home........

You'll never replace a beloved furry, but you'll add to all the amazing memories you have with lots of new ones which will always make you happy 

[Susanne (urbantigers)]

 

I was reluctant to get another cat when Magpie died (that's him in my avatar) but I knew Jaffa needed some company when I was out at work (he was very depressed when we lost Magpie and became very clingy) and I knew I wanted 2 cats.  When I got Mosi, he had a lot to live up to and I did almost resent him at first for being there instead of Magpie, if you know what I mean.  I loved him and wanted him but I couldn't quite forget that the only reason he was there was because I had lost Magpie.  But he's such a cuddly little butter lad that it wasnt' long before I was his devoted slave and I'm so glad I got him.  He didn't replace Magpie but there is always room for one more in your heart, imo.  I still have Magpie as wallpaper on my mobile despite it being 4 years since he died.

It was nearly 6 months after Magpie died when Mosi came to live with me, but that was only really because of Christmas (I was going to my mum's and had failed to book a cattery in time so was actually taking Jaffa up with me in the car to my mum's house - didnt' fancy doing that with a kitten) and then because I had a wait for him to be old enough.

[maryas]

It's never easy when you've loved someone so much. 

Just over 2 years now since I had to bury my Smudge and I still have his name on my telephone answer machine - it will always stay on there.

"Hi, you're through to Mary, Smudge and Bonnie, leave a message"

Mary   

[Tiggy's Mum]

When I lost Tiggy after almost 19 years together I was obviously devastated, I chose the boys just one week after I lost her and had to wait several weeks until they were old enough to come home.

I worried that I wouldn't be able to love them like I loved Tiggy and that I might resent them for trying to 'replace' her. Well, what do you think happened? I fell head over heels in love with them  Of course I didn't stop loving and missing Tiggy just because I had the boys but they made me smile again. I definitely had enough love to share with all of them 

I'll always be 'Tiggy's Mum' on here and she is still the wallpaper on my PC,  just because she is no longer with me doesn't mean I stop becoming her Mum and stop loving her. That said, over time I have felt guilty - like when I got a new phone which meant the screensaver on my phone was not her anymore. Having said that on my current phone I felt guilty that it's Lu's picture and not Riley so I think I'm just too soppy 

So, my advise would be - if you have love to give then I'm sure he would be very proud of you for giving a new home to a cat that has never been loved like he was 

[Sam (Fussy_Furball)]

Oh hun ... it's not a case of replacing it's just have a space that needs filling.

Tori is gorgeous, she needs a home and lots of love and if you are able to offer both these things then go for it   

[Gill (sneakiefeline)]

I think Tori is just adorable 

[Corporal Smokey]

Wow you lot are ace! I'm going to keep Smokey on my profile for now. I was more upset changing my signature. Josh is still my wallpaper on my laptop and he makes me smile when I put it on. It's more the changing of "Amy, Josh and Cpl. Smokey" which I did to honour his memory.

I'm glad it's not just me. I feel a little cold sometimes as if I'm trying to replace him so I'm glad you all understand.

Here's a link for you to drool over of the kitty I'm spying...

http://www.purrsinourhearts.co.uk/index.php/topic,32511.0.html

[Gill (sneakiefeline)]

I understand so much how you are feeling and it takes so long to go through the greiving process and even then every so often a little thing will hit you.

I know that Helen still has Tiggy as her avator and if it made you so sad, why not change it back?  I have Kocka on the openinh page of my other lappy with the idea of putting it here but now have Franta who was meant to be temprary but dont think he will be.

Everyone is so different and my equivalent to you was moving Kockas dishes and stuff before the home visit for Misa and Sasa coming and it broke my heart cos everything had been left as she last saw it......its now breaking me up again 

I knew that I had to have another cat within 24 hrs of Kocka passing to the Bridge and Misa and Sasa arrived 7 days later, OK I had no other cats and the first time I stroked one at Cp a few  days later, even that helped me.

I also corresponded with a blue cross person who helped bereaved peeps and that helped to................I didnt know about Cat Chat untol a few monthjs later and remember how DD helped me.

I feel that if you have found a cat that you could love and will fit into your home, you go for it.........it does honour to your cat on the Bridge that your heart can help another cat.

 

[Gail Bengal Slave]

When i lost Beau, in the January, I had my boys Zak & Zubin in the April.   Though i knew they was born and I just had to wait 15 weeks for them. The same when I lost Zak and had Zebedee.

in one way i felt awuful for wanting a cat straight away, but they didnt replace him, just filled the gap he left.  If he (they) hadnt left such a huge hole because I loved them so much, that would of been worse. It was because I loved them I needed the void filled, with another kitty.

Beau & Zak are still firmly in my heart 6 & 5 years on.

[Sabrina (Auferstehen)]

When I lost Little Girl 3 years ago, I took the next day off work and it was all I could do not to walk down to the rescue down the road and get another cat.

I waited until Saturday so my husband would be with me and we picked the youngest cat they had (18 months old who had recently had a litter) and had to walk back home to get a carrier and drove back to pick her up.

I don't regret adopting Smoke at all, she's been a lovely cat (even when sleeping on my clean clothes) and she's got tons of personality. We both miss Little Girl a lot but Smoke helped me grieve and eventually remember the good times with Little Girl without crying.

It's not for everyone, but I find it does help a lot. I did the same when I lost my foster cat Quinn (who had been adopted but sadly had to be pts), we ended up with Gizmo because I couldn't lose another (he should have been a foster cat).

If you think you can offer a home to another cat, then go for it.

[Corporal Smokey]

I changed my signature today and it made me sad all over again, even with the silly Smokeyface picture  .

But still I can't get the thought of offering sweet little Tori a home out of my mind (see cats needing homes section).

Anyone been there and done it? I know Clare has found happiness with Poot so Clare if you or any others can offer any words of advice I'd be really grateful.

Thanks