How do you know when the time is right to say goodbye?

[ems]

Oh Clare 

I don't have any advice for you because thankfully I have never been in the position either but just wanted to send you lots of these     

Me and Jon had the same discussion on Tuesday because he was trying to prepare me for the worst with Nina, and it is terrifying 

[cats_whiskas]

Having done this today, trust me you will just know. However much you want to keep them going, you will know deep down. It is the worst thing in the world.

[ChrisB]

Oh Clare, my thoughts are with you and Max.   Doing his growly munching with the ham today shows that he is still happy and content.  As for being 'honest and brave enough to listen to him' - you will be - Max has a wonderful, loving home and you will always know and do what is best for him.   

[clarenmax]

Oh Clare.  When I read title I really felt for you. I've actually been having a similar dilemma with Mog. She's not the same cat who came to live with me all those years ago and get confused and shouts all the time. Granted, I know physically she's OK - but what if mentally she's really miserable? The idea not only horrifies me but upsets me a great deal too.

Hope you have a good while longer left with Max.

If only they could talk to us 

[clarenmax]

Thank you so so much for all your replies, I didn't want to upset anybody, Bonnielass, I'm sorry I made you cry sweetheart 

I guess I'm trying to prepare myself for what will inevitably happen, but I'm not going to lose sight of now - Max has had a good day today, he's enjoyed munching some sliced ham, went mental for it in fact, did his growly munching that he does when he's really enjoying something 

I guess what everyone is saying is go with your gut almost, that I'll understand when he's had enough, and I pray that I will be honest and brave enough to listen to him.

Thank you again, your advice means so much to me xxxxx

[CarolM (Wendolene)]

This is a decision we all agonise over, and rightly so, but I really do think that something always happens to tell you either its time or its not time.  Korky has had CRF for 3 years now and in June he was really poorly, he couldn't walk properly, he was hiding under the bed and only coming out to use his tray and I was having to encourage him to eat (very un-Korky).  We decided his quality of life was not acceptable and actually got as far as making the phone call but events conspired against us.  We couldn't get an appointment until evening so had more time to think, and then when I picked him up to put him in his carrier he struggled with a strength I didn't think he had and he gave me such a dirty look as if to say 'what do you think you're doing?' Finally, the vet on duty was one I don't like and no way was I going to let him do the deed so Korky came home again.  His improvement has been slow but he's his old self again, albeit not as mobile as he used to be, but he's found new ways of doing things that are difficult, like stairs.  Easy to say, but I'm sure we'll know, as will you, when it really is time. 

[Liz]

Having lost Sailor and baby Archie within 8 weeks of each other I can say they both told us they were ready to go, Sailor went quiet and wanted to go outside - he lived all his life with us and with his former owners indoors as he was a nippy feral we let him have 8 wonderful weeks of indoor outdoor and bewing on the other side of the door seemed to make him happy, he died in my arms at the vet after spending the weekend in an oxygen tent

baby Archie was just one year old and was a sickly kitten with brain damage and lord knows what else after his bad stasrt in life but here the other cats looked after him and all the cats wether domestic, feral or pedigree loved him as did Sunny and Sky the border collies - Sunny grew up with Archie as the youngest members of the clan despite the 22kg weight difference!

When the time comes Max will let you know they somehow know that they have got to go and leave us

For now enjoy making wonderful memories

[Millys Mum]

When they lose interest in life it is apparent, even tho you wont want to see it you will notice when it happens.   I had this with milly, i was here asking advice/opinions about chemo but i already knew what i had to do that evening, i couldnt put her through anymore  
Its often said that while they eat everything is fine but its not always that way, poor george never went off his food but he was very ill.

Enjoy your time together and try not to dwell too much on the future, he sounds happy and content  

[bonnielass]

I cried when i read this heartfelt plea for advice, i went through this last year with my bridgebabe Ninja the vet told me it was  pnumonia but in actual fact he had a mass in his chest which was pushing everything aside so he couldnt breathe, it was the look in his eyes that told me it was time to let him go, and believe me i will never forget that look,l he was pleading with me to help him , i didnt want to let him go but i knew it was the last act of love i could do for him                                                                   Whilever Max is eating and seems content then its not time yet, but he will let you know when it is, just enjoy your time with him, i didnt get that chance with Ninja

[JackSpratt]

Oh Clare.  When I read title I really felt for you. I've actually been having a similar dilemma with Mog. She's not the same cat who came to live with me all those years ago and get confused and shouts all the time. Granted, I know physically she's OK - but what if mentally she's really miserable? The idea not only horrifies me but upsets me a great deal too.

Hope you have a good while longer left with Max.

[Gillian Harvey]

I can only echo what others have said Claire. You will know when its his time - but from what you've described, it sounds as though he still has good quality of life and isnt ready to give up yet 

[LeighK]

Aw hun, my heart goes out to you all 

So much good advice and comments in this post that I can't really add much except to say that I believe firmly that you will know when it's time. I remember so well how things were with Suzie at the end, I'm biting my lip as I type and trying not to cry. When the vet told me about her cancer you'll remember that I was just devestated, I understand how you feel so well, I too wondered if I was doing the right thing and would I know when was the right time and she (the vet) said she didn't know how long we had left together and we both agreed that we'd fight it until it was time and we had a few precious weeks in which to say goodbye and, by the time the "time" came I had no doubts left in my mind that I was doing the right thing for her, one final and enduring gesture of love . When one is as close to their pets as we all are you know all the signs and you will know. Reading your posts I think that the time hasn't come and it sounds like he's still enjoying a good quality of life. The only advice, which I guess isn't really neccessary but is from the heart, is to make every moment count and enjoy your time together, you are not being selfish at all, it's a catharsis, a gradual letting go and you have so many wondeful memories and that includes the now, and Maxy and youself have always been an inspiration to so many prospective FIV owners myself included and that is something to be justly proud of, it was an honour to meet him not long ago.

Give the big fella a special hug from me and don't beat yourself up, no cat could have a more loving companion that you both.

   

Leigh

 

[clarenmax]

  for all your replies, I know this is such a difficult subject, and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for sharing your experiences with me and my boy 

For now, I think I'm confident that he still has enjoyment, he's always loved his food, he's a complete food monster lol, so as long as he's still got his appetite, then I think he is OK 

I was speaking with J about this last night, and told him that as long as he's still eating, and reacting to our voices with bright eyes, then I'm not going to let him go just yet.  He doesn't jump on laps so much now, he prefers taking up the whole sofa (and we let him lol), so he can stretch out and be comfy 

When he stops wanting any of his food, even his favourite Applaws chicken and cheese, then I think we'll have a problem 

Thanks again hunnies, you really are the best 

[Gwen]

Clare

I have had to make "the decision" a couple of times now,both times with dogs,not with cats but both times I just knew it was the right time.  Zat had lost the use of his back legs t herefore he couldnt walk anymore,that was the easiest I suppose of situations and with Sammy well she had liver cancer and each day she was getting weaker and weaker and refusing her favourite foods.  I wanted Sammy to go with some dignety as I know she would of hated it if I had kept her going and her peeing herself etc etc as she was such a clean dog,therefore one day I got up and made the dreaded phone call.

Only you know Max best and by the sounds of is he is still a lil terror keeping you on your toes,just where you should be

 

[sheryl]

I have to agree with what has already been said - like Helen I knew with both Roxy and Amber when they refused to eat and lost interest in everything including life.  It was always a worry to me that I wouldnt know when it was time but when the time came there was no doubt as to what I had to do -  You really will know when its time to let him go. xxx

I dont think Max is at that place yet Hun and whilst he is still enjoying himself just cherish every moment with him  

[Dawn F]

clare hunny - I'm definitely a person who doesn't believe in letting them go on longer than they should - I hope that when my time comes somebody will do the same for me - but from everything you've said he sounds like yes he is slowing down a bit but still has a lot of life in him - you may think you won't know when the time comes but I honestly think you will

[Tiggy's Mum]

Awww Clare  I agree with everything Ruth has said, Max may not be the old Max but it sounds like he is still enjoying life and certainly not suffering in any way 

For me it was when Tiggy no longer wanted to eat, no matter what I tried to tempt her with, and was just sleeping all day. I knew that it would be selfish to keep her with me, sounds cheesy but I looked into her eyes and could tell the time was right - she had given up and I owed it to her to help her go 

[Kay and Penny]

cats don't have any concept of illness, or deterioration, or death

when the head goes down, and does not come up again, and the eyes dull, I think that is the time to decide for them 'I have had enough now'

in the wild they would crawl off into the bushes to die - if we deny them that choice then we owe it to them to make that last trip to the vets

that's  how I see it anyway - it is a horribly sad thing for us humans, but a natural process for our cats

but it sounds as if Max is not in that place yet

[Gill (sneakiefeline)]

I agree with Baz and he sounds just fine to me and enjoying himself .

As we all get older humans and cats we slow down , get medical probs and learn to live and cope with them and it sounds thats what Max is doing 

[Bazsmum]

By his actions Clare hun! You at the moment are compairing him to how he was but lets just say you just met him, he was someone else's cat then what would your view be?

To me he sounds like he is coping fine, he isnt hiding anywhere which is a brilliant indication that although he is ill he is taking all this in his stride! 

Its the not knowing that confuses, we as humans think too deeply into situations, our emotions run far too highly! Im sure if Max was not eating, playing and doing all the things that he is doing and enjoying you would know that the time was right!

Try not torture yourself hun, its really hard knowing that the inevitable will arrive sooner than later, but while he is still showing you that there is happiness in him then you must follow him....let him lead you down that path!

Im thinking of you both Clare and wishing you the very best of times ahead... This journey is for you and Max, you know your boy and please dont feel guilty or selfish as that you certainly are not!!!

Chin up sweetie! 

[clarenmax]

I had to think long and hard about asking this, as I don't want to upset anyone who's recently lost a furbabe, or like me are coming terms with a very ill baby 

But I need to know, and I'm hoping that some of you wonderful people can help me out on this........

I know people say that you'll look at them, and you'll know ....... but what if that doesn't happen?

I don't want to think I'm keeping Max going for my own selfish reasons, but how do I know how much quality of life he has?

At the moment he's certainly a shadow of how he was say 2 months, even a month ago, his sudden blindness did affect his ability to play etc, but he still gets around fine.

He still has enthusiasm for food, still moves around the room to his favourite windowledge and gets downstairs fine for his litter tray.  He even had a play with J yesterday with his feather on a stick, and whilst he wasn't jumping around, he was sitting on the sofa giving it a real good bat and chomp 

He still seems happy enough, but against how he used to be, how do I know if he is truly happy in himself?

I don't want to deny him any quality time he may have if he is doing OK at the moment, but at the same time, if he's bored senseless and hating every minute, I'd rather let him go?

How do you know?