LETTER TO MY PETS
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.
I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue sleeping on
the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can
actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to
each other stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also
know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out
the other end to maximise space is nothing but
sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from
the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there
and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary
to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I
must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I
have been using the
bathroom for years-canine or feline attendance is
not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
dog or cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the
following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to
Complain About Our Pets: 1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an
adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on
all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids ....they eat less,
don't ask for money all the time, are easier to
train, usually come when called, never drive your
car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't
smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the
latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't
need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get
pregnant, you can sell the children.
