Cat Custody Battle......

[funkiechicken]

Thank you all for your support and advise 

Thank you tigerlily 

Thanks blackcat: I thought the same too and although his request has been flung in the air we have not discussed it and i have said that we wont be for the time being. Mainly because he does have the upper hand as far as accomodation is concerned, so like you say thought i'm best not upsetting the apple cart until i too have a place to offer! 

Thank you catgirl, slugsta & louise  Of course i biasedly think they should be with me too....i just would rather it be less complicated - but we shall see how it pans out 

Unfortunately Helen, both Peanut & Evie are registered to him on the microchip/vets and adoption certificates  This was due to him choosing peanut and when we went to adopt Evie they just duplicated the details (my surname is unusual so I just naturally picked his for ease) I can however prove my financial support for all of them. Evie was also a kitten in which they wanted an experience cat owner to have - what with her thick long hair etc - to ensure that she would be maintained correctly. I am the experienced cat owner, not him and have already spent time de-knotting her on my visits as by experience with nuggie, during my "fussing" with them both, i scour her fur deep to the skin in search of these. I have highlighted this with him as they can often be missed on a general stroking session, but would use her knotted fur as a trump card to take her if need be.....
I dont want it to get bitter if i can avoid it, not until i have my own place to take them. I could if i asked, bring them to my grandparents, but knowing how stressful that is and trying to think of their welfare, I'd like that option to be a last resort if possible  I am however, still doing transfers to his account for the cat food etc.... I will just have to assess things on a day to day basis before i act??

Thanks & Gill  its been a long time! shame i'm back with such a dilemma!

Cheryl, it must be devastating  but i too have a feeling that i may not end up with at least Peanut - as Peanut is ultimately his cat. It too will shatter my heart and he is already in a sulk with me as he was a big mammies boy too and will have missed his loves.....

I think you are right about using them as leverage Sheila  the breakup wasnt his choice and he has been very upset about it. He knows i love the cats more than anyone and i think he is hoping that might be the deciding factor in what i do - but it wasnt.
I know that he loves the cats and like you say, to leave him with an empty house would be also a reason to hang on. I dont want to and it will kill me, but i think i may have to leave Peanut as said previously  he is his cat and i have to look at how i am feeling to know he would feel the same should i just up and take them all. But selfishly i cant help thinking about what i want at the moment, which is why no major decisions have been discussed 
I have already talked to my nan about the possibility of bringing nuggie - who is used to my care only for all these years. My fear is that if i take Nuggie then my ex may think its a done deal that he has the other two and that everything is finalised. I would need to make it clear (get it in writing on an email or something as proof) that they have been separated solely for nuggies wellbeing....*sigh* its such a nightmare!!

i like that idea Louise! I just wish i had them with me in order to do that! lol I've never had an issue in previous relationship breakdowns as Nuggie and the late Taz were only ever mine....and i never expected this much drama this time. I just hope he gets tired of the whole responsibilty. He will realise how much i did in the background just to keep it the tolerable hairy place it was instead of the masses of fur, food and litter i disposed of on a daily basis! lol

I am off to see them again tomorrow with their allowance of treats  I need to give peanut some me time as he is particularly sulking the last time i went....but i'll just be glad to see them all. I never thought i'd miss the sound of a purr or waking up covered in cats just as much as i do right now!! so tomorrow will be a happy day for both me and the furrbies 

[LouiseJ]

Just had a thought on your situation but not sure if it would work for you on a practical basis. When I split up with the partner who was around when I first got Chelsea he insisted she was owned by us jointly which I said was rubbish as she lived with me 100% of the time and it was my flat but I need up saying that he could look after her for the odd weekend. He got so fed up with me asking him to have her at MY convenience that the whole "cat share" soon stopped and he walked away and left us in peace.
 

[sheilarose]

Oh Funkie, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. 

I can't really advise, I kept all my cats throughout all my relationship failures, as I was to sole mortgagee for the properties we were living in it was the partner who had to go, so this wasn't an issue. The men in my life accepted they couldn't take the cats and that was that.

Is it possible he's hanging on to Evie and Peenew in case it can lever you back into the relationship? I've known men do similar things, it's an ugly form of emotional blackmail which works best when you're feeling guilt towards the break-up and leaving the cats behind. Don't be fooled, if these are his motives the cats must not become weapons, at any cost, they are your cats after all and who gets on with whom is immaterial.
Or does he fear the silence and loneliness of an empty house - we all know that awful feeling when the door finally closes and there's no-one left, not even a cat. 
The former is not a valid reason for him to keep them. The latter, I'm sorry to say, is.

Personally, I would ask your grandparents if you can take Nuggie now, especially with his recent health problems, he needs to be with his primary carer. Then the negotiations are about two cats, not three.

You're such a loving person, this really shouldn't be happening to you and I do hope you come to an arrangement soon. 

[sheryl]

Big hugs  Hun - I am in the middle of a Divorce at the moment and we have got 7 furbabies - The 5 Bengals are all mine and there is no way he is having any of them, they are all chipped, registered etc to me - My little Tabby girl Tiggy cannot stand him so she is coming with me - that leaves Charlie Bear who as much as I love him is really by his choice OHs boy so it looks like he will be going with him - It is going to break my heart though x

[Lyn (Slugsta)]

What a horrible situation to be in 

[Gill (sneakiefeline)]

I am so sorry that its come to this and wondered where you were 

I think Helen has it right and hope you can find somewhere to live asap.

[Tiggy's Mum]

  back funkiechicken, sorry it's at such a tough time for you  You're not being selfish at all  It's great that he has been able to look after them while you find your feet but ultimately they're your cats and they belong with you 

With regards the legal sides of things, are the cats microchipped? If so whose name are they in? Being microchipped in your name wouldn't necessarily prove ownership but in combination with other things like being registered at the vets in your name, the adoption agreement being in your name, vets bills being paid from your account etc will all help if things got nasty. I think I would be tempted to set up a standing order to his account to cover cat food/litter so he can't claim that you passed ownership to him when you left, that way you're maintaining a link as their owner.

Hope things work out for you all 

[LouiseJ]

Oh what an awful position to be in. I do feel for you
It's not easy at the best of times but I guess all you can do at the moment is get yourself settled and sorted and see what happens next.
I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that your ex will be reasonable and realise that looking after three cats is hard work so they are best off with their mum.
 

[CatGirl]

As already said,it's tricky.Would be better all round to try to keep calm about the whole situation,after all,cats are very sensitive to change too.

[blackcat]

It's a tricky one for sure. If you do  not have a proper home to take them to, then perhaps now is not the time to have the conversation? If you were to register your objection but acknowledge that the status quo should be maintained for the time being, then you can reconsider the situation once you have somewhere more permanent to live. Heartbreaking, but if you build up the angst now you may find you no longer have visiting privileges either. If the cats are being well cared for and are happy together, then it is seems best to leave it that way for the time being... 

[Tigerlily (Allison)]

  What an awful situation to be in. 

[funkiechicken]

Hello All!!

Sorry its been so long since i was last here! and i've missed it badly!! and i hope everyone is doing really well!!

My OH and I decided to part company not so long ago - I moved out as it was his home and i'm living with my grandparents until i'm able to get my own place.
I decided with a heavy heart that my little trio would remain with OH (access rights a plenty) as I did not want to unnecessarily move them and cause them stress, knowing that in a few months i would have to move them again.
He dropped a bomb shell saying he wanted to keep Peanut & Evie as they were settled etc and as Nuggie was mine prior to the relationship he is mine.....I have said that when the time comes we'll discuss it but at present i cant.
Thing is it hit me like i'd been smashed in the chest with a car  and selfishly i know that i cannot let him have my babies and know that he is probably said it to hurt me in some way 

I half expected him to request Peanut (not that i would of wanted that) as OH was picked by Peanut at the Rescue Centre and he is OH's favourite boy. However, Evie was my girl - he was slightly indifferent about her at first and always said you could tell she was mine - and it is only lately in my absence that she has taken to sitting on his knee etc....so now i am going to have to eventually have "the talk" and i know that i cannot part company forever. It is breaking my heart 

They are not themselves and not happy and i wonder if in the upsetting nature of splitting up that he might not altogether be giving them the one on one love i did everyday - hes not neglecting them, dont get me wrong.....its just they need that attention as well as everything else.

I have thought about just cat knapping them all!!!
it actually makes me feel sick with the whole thought of having to leave any of them - it was just a fight i never expected to have to fight - and being amicable and compromising about this split may come to an abrupt and nasty end over him suddenly turning into a cat daddy and wanting my babies 

Am i being selfish??