you may have seen this before, but makes me laugh lots
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1 Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth, and gently apply pressure to cheeks whilst holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow
2 Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process
3 Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away
4 Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding front and rear paws lightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to the back of the mouth with your right fore finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten seconds.
5 Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden
6 Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand, while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler, and rub cat’s throat vigorously
7 Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8 Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.
9 Check label to ensure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take the taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10 Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck leaving head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11 Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-Shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom
12 Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence whilst swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13 Tie the little butter’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash down pill.
14 Consume the remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to nearest casualty department, sit quietly whilst Doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove remnants of pill from right eye.
Stop by furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
15 Arrange for Vet to make house call
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1 Wrap it in bacon
