Topic: Feeling Guilty (Read 2677 times)

Miroslav · « **Reply #30 on:** April 28, 2011, 21:19:24 PM »

I'd be guessing if I could tell you who had what. All I know is my poor Britney has something that people aren't recognising and it's.....sad

ADHD as you describe it is a big possibility.

I love my cats more than I love any human and as much as the humans I have lost. They are my friends and I totally agree with you that those who never have this kind of love are the ones that miss out.

It still doesn't help when people say "it's just a cat" or "That happened months ago, time to get over it" or similar.

It will be 2 years tomorrow since my Paws died and I don't care what anyone says, to me it's her day, not the royals. She was one of my princesses.

Ironically, Prince William shares the same Birthday as me. He's also going bald like me.

Jiskefet · « **Reply #29 on:** April 28, 2011, 20:28:37 PM »

You know, I wonder how many of these so-called bi-polar celebs have in fact some form of AD(H)D.....

I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 43, and finally understood why I always seemed to be so 'different' from other people.

ADHD in women is often misdiagnosed as bi-polar, and burn-out, chronic depression, borderline and ptst are acquired conditions people with ADHD are more prone to, due to theit extreme sensitivity and emotionality and the severe criticism they experience from early childhood on for not being socially accomplished and well-behaved.
And people with ADHD are usually very artistic and tend to love to go to extremes, a perfect characeristic for a life in the spotlight.

But talking about cats and the grief their passing gives us....
Cats are our children. Not the children of our womb, but the children of our souls.
There is no measure of the grief you feel for the los of a relative, a friend, a child or a pet...

The grief is measured by YOUR love and YOUR loss, and by the suffering of the one you lost.....
And why should you not be allowed to grieve as deeply for a cat as you would for a person?
A cat IS a person!!!!! A person you knew and loved.

Humans can pretend to be friends and, the minute we turn our backs, betray us in every possible way.
Humans may say they love you, even honestly believe they love you, when, in fact, they 'only' need you....
A cat doesn't love you because he needs you, he needs you because he loves you.

And apart from all that, even f the cat didn't love you, if you love the cat, that is quite enough reason to grieve....

I will tell you one thing: I pity people who cannot understand the depth of our grief at the loss of our cats, they are missing out on one of the purest, most wonderful experiences in life: the love of - and for - our pets.

Miroslav · « **Reply #28 on:** April 27, 2011, 08:56:27 AM »

Cats are very soothing and great company. Good for a cuddle when you don't feel so good.

I know some celebs support certain organisations and charities etc, but I just don't take most of them seriously. It's all good press for them.

kerri86 · « **Reply #27 on:** April 25, 2011, 21:58:09 PM »

the latter - very true! I can sleep at night knowing I have done my best!

Tinks and Davey are fab company for me and I never feel completely alone when I'm with these two (that would be impossible). As you rightly say they are very soothing and whenever I'm stressed or upset one of them knows to come to me to remind me they are there!

Celebs will carry on hitting the headlines with their mental health problems no matter how minor they may be. I guess it's important to look to the other celebs who do support anti-stigma campaigns and those celebs who have admitted to having a diagnosis, to self harming, to being at their all time low. Ruby Wax for one has recently spoken about her own experiences and is working quite hard to tackle stigma, myth and discrimination. Sooo, it's not all bad I guess. You see, perfect example of positive recognition in any situation

Miroslav · « **Reply #26 on:** April 25, 2011, 20:02:12 PM »

She is and it's not right. 4 days and back to work only tells everyone that mental health isn't that serious, when it is. It's okay for her, she has money to do whatever she wants and buy whatever she wants for her short term fixes, but some of us are poor and live in our own heads day in day out and have other issues like what bill to pay first.

Kerry Katona is annoying. I still feel sorry for her, but she does have a bit of smugness about her. If she wasn't like she is, I can quite imagine she'd be very critical of mental health as she seems to have an opinion on everything and everyone else.

Well, you've done well for yourself and now have two little buddies to keep you occupied and good company too i'd imagine. Pets and cats specifically are very soothing.

Keep going, anyone you can help is more than most people will and i'll keep helping my end as well. If others don't appreciate it, can still hold head up high and say you did your bit.

kerri86 · « **Reply #25 on:** April 25, 2011, 19:22:11 PM »

Catherine Zeta Jones, she's giving out the message that its soooo easy to come back from being mentally ill. She spends 4 days on the unit then ends up going back to "normal" living as if nothing has happened... that may be simple enough for her and other celebs, but its not real life.

I don't like Kerry Katona much, not because of her problems or anything, I never have liked her just find her extremely annoying and don't understand why she is so famous - she started in a girl band who were rubbish and she can't even sing

Fight in me - ok, if I set myself a little "mission" I can't rest until I've completed it... so the fight against stigma means I'll never rest, but ahh well, I love being kept busy! Seriously, If I set out to do something I do it, no matter what it takes. 18 months ago I was still living with my mum, wasting away my days, feeling sorry for myself until I realised i was wasting my life away. So what if I couldn't work because my health is so bad - doesn't stop me from doing voluntary work where I'm in control of how much time I give! 2 months after giving myself a good seeing to, i found my own place and moved in within a month. For 14 monhths now I've been living alone, well, with Davey and Tinks, and its helped me change for the better. And I had to make it work because of the mission I'd set and the vision I had.

Ah well I'm waffling so I should set another mini-mission - STOP talking too much haha!
And if I've helped one person so far... well worth it, I'll keep going for number 2

Miroslav · « **Reply #24 on:** April 25, 2011, 18:57:36 PM »

As they say, celebs are eccentric, everyday people are mentally ill. It's wrong, but Catherine Zeta Jones won't change anything. Her 4 day stint was a joke and then back to filming? I'm not a huge expert on what is what, but Kerry Katona, annoying as she is, seems to have many issues which I can only feel sorry for. She's not a bad person, but the MTV program she done was typical MTV - make fun of her but not directly. I didn't watch it, but saw the trailers and she was wearing a white top with lots of belts around it - made her look like she was in a straight jacket.

I'm glad I got you started. You have some fight in you. Always admire someone who fights for something, especially when the odds are against them, plus the attitude of 'If only I help one' - well you made me smile, so go find number two

kerri86 · « **Reply #23 on:** April 25, 2011, 14:53:24 PM »

The thing with celebs really bugs me. Like catherine zeta jones, she was on psychi unit for 4 whole days... Wow! Not! Try doin 4 months! Or try being institutionalised like some older people i know! She has been diagnosed with bipolar type 2... Am not being funny, she stressed and understandably struggling with it... Bipolar is thrown out to celebs, kerry katona is a prime example too. If you ask me, kerry kayona's case is complex ptsd (aka borderline personality disorder) not bipolar. But the negative stigma associated with borderline means celebs are never diagnosed with it.

Its like we are fighting a losing battle but i vow to never drop my fight against stigma of those who are or have been affected with mental health probs. Whether its depression, ptsd, schizophrenia etc, i will fight all the way. The way i see it is if i help just one other person its been worthwhile

Ooh you got me started lol x

Miroslav · « **Reply #22 on:** April 25, 2011, 13:39:50 PM »

I completely agree with you too Kerri.

Yes, they try to make you feel selfish and don't understand why you need some time. Not everybody has the same levels of support that others do.

I've come across people who are paid to 'care' that say some stupid things. Most of them appear to get their jobs based on what's on paper rather than any humanity they should need to get and maintain these jobs.

Well, we are all glad that you didn't succeed in ending it all! I don't want to imagine what it was like being around children dying and in a mortuary. I like helping people but I had to quit working with adults with severe learning disabilities as it got to me, so something like what you have done would really really upset me.

We do appear to live in a black and white world although I have been told before that it's okay to feel bad and take time out 'as long as you are fit'. Huh? We live in a shallow world too.

Unfortunately educating people is a no go now. We just have to mock people like on that Frankie Boyle show. That's the kind of education we are given. The likes of Catherine Zeta Jones saying she has Bi-Polar won't help a jot. She'll get more empathy than a general member of the public, but her pleas for people to open up and not be afraid won't help as nobody really listens to her, at least not anybody who doesn't already understand.

As you kind of say in your last paragraph, be proud of who you are and if no-one else likes, tough. We don't all want to be clones do we

kerri86 · « **Reply #21 on:** April 25, 2011, 12:46:14 PM »

completely agree with everything Miroslav. There are more important issues for people than breaking nails, pulling or drinking etc.
And yes, there may always be somebody worse off than you, but like you say, that's belittling and dismissive. Or "give it time" or "think about the people who need you now" and all that... making you feel selfish as well as weird and insignificant.

I get called selfish a lot, by people who simply don't understand my stuff. and I'm apparently an "attention seeker" as well as manipulative. Whats worse, its the people who are paid to care who say those things. which really doesn't help when you feel bad already.

In 2006 at the end of my first year studying degree in childrens nursing, everything got on top of me. I'd seen kids dying, I'd watched people slow fade away, I'd seen the aftermath of death and seen the families torn by grief. I'd washed dead bodies and prepared them for mortuary. I'd handled kids who lots their mums or dads. Enough of it, it got too much and at the time I truly believed I wanted to die... life was too cruel and I didn't want to be part of it and didn't feel strong enough. And at the time there was no other way out, I thought. So I attemped suicide. That was the most selfish thing i could have done, even though in my mind it was selfless. What good was I going to be to anyone when I was so weak and pathetic? What burden would I become on those who loved me? People didn't deserve to have to put up with me... they truly were better off without me. Or so I thought.

Now I am further away from that state of mind than I ever imagined. I'm lucky that my attempt(s) didn't go as I'd planned. I'm lucky my family were supportive. But over the past few years when I've felt so bad it's the nurses on psychi wards who tell you you're selfish, you're just after attention, you're being manipulative. I'm sorry, are you trying to push me over the edge?? It may appear on the outisde i was being selfish, but I didn't sit there and think "oh what can I do today to think of myself? to manipulate people or to get some attention??" if I wanted attention I'd run around town naked and get some laughs, not try and cause serious damage to myself and risk death.

If this is the kind of world we are living in then what hope is there for others who find they face difficulties like we have? People have their own fixed perspective and that's it, theres no other way of thinking about things. What they think is right, and there is nothing that will change their views.

People don't look at others and see that their behaviour may be the result of previous traumatic events. All they see are other people being weird, strange and not "normal". If fella's don't wanna go out, get drunk and pull they aint normal. If women don't wanna go out, flirt, constantly talk about romance or follow celebs they aint normal. It seems for most, thinking outside of those norms is impossible.

But you know what, it's took me ages to get where I am and I'm now proud to admit that I am NOT normal if normal is determined by the above. I'm unique, I'm just me and I do, think and see whatever I do, I don't base things around any norms!

Philosophicalities over

Miroslav · « **Reply #20 on:** April 25, 2011, 12:24:43 PM »

I hate celebrityism too. I do absolutely adore one celeb that I collect anything I can (I buy magazine/paper clippings so as not to swell the celebrity magazine coffers) and it's something I do privately rather than publicly and I hate all the publicity anyway, but I tend to empathise with people in trouble having had issues myself. I also have White Knight Syndrome, possibly having been the father of a girl, that side comes out of me and I want to look after.

One time at work, for some reason we were talking about mothers and when it came to me, I just said she had passed away and one chap said 'Cancer?' and I said yes and he suddenly got funny and said 'I don't need to know any more do I'........I wasn't going to elaborate anyway, but he was more interested in the talking about drinking heavily as if it as an achievement and looking at the page 3 girl in the Daily Star

Then their is the 'always someone worse off than you' comment. or any other throw away comment that belittles your feelings. It just doesn't feel like it when you're grieving.

I like to think I listen to people. Just not about drinking, pulling or breaking that nail you were talking about

kerri86 · « **Reply #19 on:** April 25, 2011, 12:06:55 PM »

I agree with the latter, not a very understanding world. If it aint simple, people don't wanna know. If it aint related to celebrities, they don't wanna know. There's so many out that lacking basic things, including empathy. I know I can go the other way, extremely, and can feel too much of what another person might be going through, which makes me determined to help or be there for them. But for the majority of people, empathy doesn't exist. Lose somebody close to you and it's omg change the subject. Break a nail and its sit down lets have a brew and give you some advice!

xx

Miroslav · « **Reply #18 on:** April 25, 2011, 10:15:53 AM »

Cazzer - I do most of the worrying and most of the work

I don't mind the work if my little buddies are happy.

Elanor3 - It's good to know others see cats as part of the family as I know many pet owners who just see them as a luxury item. I'm sure Rainbow looks down at you with affection too

Kerri - I understand too that people may think their experiences and the way they deal with them should be the same for everyone. We are, thankfully, all individuals and it can get frustrating.

It is tough. I just wish people understood that dealing with things is different for everyone. Will never happen though, but I wish people would respect my way of doing things. It's not harming them and I don't bemoan their ways. We don't live in a very understanding world, sadly.

kerri86 · « **Reply #17 on:** April 23, 2011, 23:14:27 PM »

I can understand Miroslav that people sometimes don't know what to say. And those who feel they have got through difficult losses may well truly believe that everyone else can do it....

I think everyone can get "through" loss, ie still live as happily as possible etc, but different things work for different people. Take your step dad for example... his way of dealing (or not as the case may be) with the loss of your mum/his wife is to find somebody else to fill that hole she must have left. That's quite a common reaction to death, especially when its somebody who is a huge part of your life. For others though, trying to refill the hole they feel after loss is simply impossible. It seems no matter what you do or who you are with, part of you has gone and it will never come back. It feels that you have changed, not just your circumstances. And that's a tricky thing to go through.

I know that peoples way of helping or trying to show they understand, is to tell you what to do because it worked for them. But just because it did work for them it may not work for you. Some people like to think things through over a long period of time, to grasp everything mentally. others will mentally block things out to avoid focusing on them and getting upset.

it all depends on each individual and only they will know what is best for them.xx

Elanor3 · « **Reply #16 on:** April 23, 2011, 22:50:32 PM »

it is not silly and you should never feel that for missing them

our family cat rainbow was PTS in 2003 at the age of 18 and I still miss her and think of her often

i cry somtimes because i miss her and she meant a lot to me. it shows that you cared for them soooo much they still have special places in your heart

cazzer · « **Reply #15 on:** April 23, 2011, 20:37:46 PM »

Miroslav it seems to me that you doing ok writing to other people. Also have to say that it is my OH that takes losing a cat the hardest even though it is me that worries over them the most when they are with us.

Miroslav · « **Reply #14 on:** April 23, 2011, 20:04:17 PM »

I shall do

Gill (sneakiefeline) · « **Reply #13 on:** April 23, 2011, 12:28:13 PM »

Just write from your heart

Miroslav · « **Reply #12 on:** April 23, 2011, 12:08:03 PM »

Maryas - I'm probably nearer a chimpanzee than a bloke

It's hard to know what to write to anyone who is suffering, although I have tried. Sometimes there are no words

Yes, my cats are adoreable. Very tame being indoor cats and very loving

Angie - Sorry to hear about your 4. Hopefully you can be pain free for 10 years. We were lucky for 14 years with the 5 of them, so it's possible

Kerri - Totally agree with you about the cat relationships and how you can trust them. I had a difficult childhood too and have found cats much more reliable and trusting and good to be around.

Glad you've found some new cats to enjoy. We'll never forget those who have moved on, but other cats need love as well

I guess i've been around alot of people who don't understand. Some of the worst grief I get is from people who have lost loved ones, but moved on and think if they can...My step dad for example who found a new woman within 6 weeks of my Mum dying - they were married for nearly 20 years.

I guess for most, they don't know what to say and don't understand. A bit like what I said above, even though i've lost cats, I don't know what words to use when I see others on here in the same boat. I just hope I don't patronise or say the wrong thing.

I'll keep you in mind if I need to talk. Thank You. Flatmate deals with it by not mentioning them and moving on. I'll stick around here and try and offer my support to others as well, although i'm not very good at typing what I think

kerri86 · « **Reply #11 on:** April 22, 2011, 21:09:37 PM »

Jess was fab! Sooo wish I could have him back.
I can fully understand how important cats are to you as I too have felt that I'm closer to them than humans. I didn't have the easiest of times growing up and Jess came along when everything was too much for me. He was a distraction from things at first, very playful and entertaining to me like any other 8 year old. But then over time Jess just became my best friend, maybe like my little brother. I always had a stronger connection with him than I did with anyone else. I learned from a young age that you can always trust cats

whereas with humans, they could break that trust at any point.

I've had Davey for a year now, he's 2 in June. I also have Tinker, she really is a little tinker lol and she's 8 months old now, I have had her since she was 8 weeks old.

They're both soooo different but sooooo alike, and I love them both to pieces and would be lost without them.

Hey just because you're a man it doesn't mean you're a wimp if you cry... men have feelings just like women too and you have every right to express them just like women do. I think it's awful that people think you are weird!! It sounds like you have been through a lot of grief and its understandable that you are finding it so difficult to move on... expecting somebody to move on from the deaths of their partner, child and loved pets is a big expectation to have. Just one of those things alone could be difficult enough!
I agree you probably feel guilty and silly because thats how others make you feel. Just keep in mind though that you have every right to feel whatever you feel and nobody can ever say you are weird for being human. If anything, the weird ones are those who cant understand the difficulties of moving on after such losses!

So please try not to start believing you are weird cos you're human and you are reacting to things in your own way like we all do! Everybody manages difficult things differently so nobody has the right to tell you how you should or shouldn't be coping!

And if you ever need to talk you are always welcome to talk to me x

Angiew · « **Reply #10 on:** April 22, 2011, 19:34:01 PM »

No reason to feel guilty! How ever old they are, it is never old enough.

Having lost 4 of my own in 2 years and with the upset of all the ill kittens last year and poor Squirt (RIP) my reaction is to love them all the more.
Luckily, I now have a bunch of youngish cats and I pray for a pain free 10 years, though I doubt it will happen.

I suppose dealing with as many cats, the pain though not less, goes quicker as I know what to expect in the grieving process.
I always jump back in and as the bridge list gets longer want to be more and more active in rescue. (Its a shame homing is so slow at the present).

maryas · « **Reply #9 on:** April 22, 2011, 18:55:43 PM »

Thanks for the links to the past threads - so sad

Let those tears come out and don't apologise, doesn't matter if yiou are a bloke or a ruddy chimpanzee

There are lots of posts on here that I do not read cos I know I will just burst into tears but there are some that I know I must read, like the one about Franta cos after being on here nearly 4 years I've come to love hima dn other cats as if they are my own. Also it's nice to give some support to Gill and anyone else who is hurting.

There are lots of funny threads too and adorable pics of our darlings so try and concentrate on them and enjoy your time on here.

By the way, they are all adorable cats that you've had/have

Mary

Miroslav · « **Reply #8 on:** April 22, 2011, 09:24:25 AM »

Gill - Sorry to hear about the 2-3 years of seizures. Poor boy

My Dopey had a fit/seizure when she was dying (pts a couple of hours later) and I panicked and it was heartbreaking. I'd hate to be going through what you are right now. Sending good vibes to you and Franta.

Kerri - Yes, my cats playe a huge part in my life. I've been closer to them than human beings. They are my family, as like other cats are to others on here.

Jess sounds lovely and i'm sure Davey is lovely too. How long have you had Davey?

I cried my eyes out at the vets when all 3 of mine died and had to apologise, even though they understood. I think the vet nurses and receptionists thought a man like me was a bit of a wimp, but hey. Of the 3 I lost, one died at home and 2 were pts. Always heartbreaking and we all miss them when they are gone. Cats (and other animals) are very important parts of our families.

I think I feel guilty and silly because people in real life make me feel that way. No-one understands why I haven't moved on from any of the human or cat losses and the truth is I just can't. People think i'm weird and i'm statting to believe I am.

Maryas and Ella n' ARchie - Thanks for the welcomes. I have posted here before, but didn't come back because hearing other peoples pain at losing their loved ones is upsetting and every time i've been back it reminds me even more about what i'm missing about my 3 that have gone and it upsets me.

This is the post I made about the two I still have http://www.purrsinourhearts.co.uk/index.php/topic,30253.msg542220.html#msg542220

And the 3 that have passed on http://www.purrsinourhearts.co.uk/index.php/topic,30255.msg542240.html#msg542240

Guest · « **Reply #7 on:** April 22, 2011, 00:06:40 AM »

You know you have nothing to worry / moan / stress about! I think here you can talk about / grieve for the cats you have lost because we understand and actually that network will help you. We would love to see pics of your babes past and present! (and who knows that might help you too!)

The only problem I do have with you is if you cats are so mature why has it taken you so long to find us

maryas · « **Reply #6 on:** April 21, 2011, 22:43:18 PM »

to Purrs Miroslav. Nothing you say on here is silly cos we all understand how you feel and we welcome everyone to jump in on our threads when ever they feel they want to say something.

We are all the same when it comes around to anniversaries of our cats.

Looking forward to hearing more about the 2 cats you still have and photos would be great as we never tire of pics on here

Mary

kerri86 · « **Reply #5 on:** April 21, 2011, 19:52:04 PM »

Hey

Thats not silly at all. We all deal with loss and grief differently so it's understandable that the feelings related to losing your cat are different compared to the loss of family members etc.

Whether you are grieving for a human or a pet it doesn't make you silly. Your cat obviously meant a lot to you and may have played a huge role in your life after losing your partner and daughter... I don't know though

My first cat, Jess, we had him from when I was about 8 until last year, for 16 years. He was the first pet we had from being young to when he died. He was the pet who listened to me and was there every time I needed a cuddle. He loved me no matter what. And that meant the world to me. So when he died last year I was absolutely heartbroken and it left a huge hole in my life. My cat Davey looks just like Jess and every time I look at him I remember Jess. I'll never forget his laid back personality and his loud purr.

I cried myself to sleep the day he died and felt so bad that he died before the vet even pts. the thought of him going without me there hurt like hell. and I miss him soo much that writing this has brought tears to my eyes

I guess what I'm getting at is that how you feel is completely natural and you shouldn't feel silly or guilty, especially not about sharing it with us, others who understand exactly how you feel.

Huge hugs to you, you are not on your own xxx

Gill (sneakiefeline) · « **Reply #4 on:** April 21, 2011, 19:44:01 PM »

Thank you, you are very kind

Its a long thread cos Franta has had seizures on and off for about 2/3 years now and it tells all of his story and may be a help to other owners whose cats suddenly have seizures.

You are welcome to post on there.

Miroslav · « **Reply #3 on:** April 21, 2011, 19:40:32 PM »

Sorry to hear about Franta Napoleon.

I saw your thread, but it was so big I felt bad about coming in and saying anything.

I hope Franta pulls through.

Stay strong.

Gill (sneakiefeline) · « **Reply #2 on:** April 21, 2011, 19:34:50 PM »

Nothing is silly and we all feel very different about things like this.

I am feeling very bad right now cos my cat is fighting for his life at the vets today, I so hope he wins cos I love him so much.

The age doesnt matter cos they are family and I always feel worse in the month before my first cat went to the Bridge and never remember why I am feeling so bad until a couple of weeks before.

Kocka was 20 and Franta Napoleon who is at the vets will be 18 in Aug but life is such a fragile thing

Miroslav · « **Reply #1 on:** April 21, 2011, 18:49:05 PM »

I'm being silly but....

Seeing other people having lost their cats at an earlier age than mine, I feel guilty about moaning that I lost mine aged 14, 15 and 15 as I am privelidged to have had them so long, yet I also know people have their cats longer and I would never bemoan anyone having a cat longer than i've had mine (and I still have two left aged 16.5).

I know i'm being silly, and without going into detail, I lost my partner when we were teenagers and daughter when she was 9 and I don't feel anything negative towards anyone whose partners/kids live longer, so not sure why i'm feeling guilty.

I'm being silly as next week it will be two years since I lost my first cat and coming here and reading things has upset me. What a moron I am

I probably shouldn't post this as it's stupid but hey

Author Topic: Feeling Guilty (Read 2677 times)