How to give a cat a pill
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
partner in from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold cat's head firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler
and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get partner to lie on cat with cat's head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force
cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to
take away the taste. Apply a plaster to partner's forearm and remove blood
from the carpet with soap and water.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and
check date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to
disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road.
Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of raw fish. Be rough
about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to
wash down pill.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to Casualty, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your
eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA or Cats' Protection League to collect the mutant brute
from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any rabbits.
How to give a dog a pill
1. Wrap it in bacon
