Cat Rules
Stairs
Stairs are for running up and down at full speed.
Top marks if you trip up your unsuspecting human carrying basket full of washing.
Litter trays
Remember to always go in and poo when guests arrive your human and guest will love your thoughtful gift.
Make sure that you scrape every corner of the litter tray after pooing.
Remember not to cover your poo though after all you don't want to spoil your poo with litter do you?
Top marks if you can get more litter out of the tray than in the tray, this is what we call litter art your humans will love it.
After pooing race out of the litter tray at full speed continue racing around the house{top marks if you can keep some of your poo on your fur and drop it all around while racing}This will signal to your human that the tray needs to be cleaned.
Some humans are slow to pick this up so you may have to go back to the tray and scrape some more or even scrape things around the tray if that doesn't work yell at them.Don't worry your human will soon learn.
Cups and ornaments
Wait until your human is out of the room then knock off all the silly things that humans call ornaments after all why do they want them when they can look at you.
top marks if you knock over a cup with drink in that will show your human that drinks really shouldn't go there and they would have learnt a valuable lesson that cats belong there.
Some humans are slow to remember this so you will have to do it again until they get the message
Curtains and net curtains
Net curtains are for putting your claws in and scrapping downwards this will make your home more cat friendly.
Curtains are for climbing to the top to check if your human has cleaned the ceiling.
Top marks if you find a spider,Always drop spider down towards human who by now will be trying to get you down.Watch human scream and do a funny dance as spider falls to the floor this is very good exercise for your human and also helps them to practice cat meowing.Best to stay at the top of the curtains while this is happing.
Food
After a while of eating the same food be sure to keep your human on their toes by turning your nose up at the food and walking away this will make your human think harder and they will give you new food which usually tastes much better and even Tuna which is cats most favoured food.
Don't over play this trick though as your human will think you are ill and take you to the vet you do not want to go there.
Vet and cat carrier
If you hear this word ran for your life and hide make sure your human can not find you and stay there for as long as you can,do not be fooled by the sound of the tin being opened or the smell of tuna this is a trick for your human to get you to the vet.
The cat carrier is a contraption to get you to the vet,your human will try to shove you inside make sure you spread yourself out making sure to put doubts in your humans mind that you would be able to fit in that tiny hole.
If this doesn't work make sure to unsheathe your claws and make it as differ cult as possible for them to get you in there.
If by chance your human out wits you and get you inside make sure you squeeze yourself into the furthest corner curling up really tight cementing the guilt your human should already be feeling, this insures you will get a tin of tuna when you get back.
Remain in the corner when arriving at the vets and make sure you hold on tight to the blanket or towel your human has put in the carrier this will make your human and the vet know you do not want to be there and insure that the vet can't see the whole of you.
Another great way to delay them is to push yourself as far down on the table making yourself very heavy.
Be sure to yell all the way to the vet to make it clear that you are not happy. On the way back be as silent as possible.
When arriving home and the carrier door is opened don't come out of the corner while your human is still in the room,wait until the coast is clear and then slump off to hide as this will make your feeling known.
Wallpaper
Wallpaper is put up by humans for cats to claw out there very own art work this is called wallpaper art.
Top marks if you can see more cat art than wall paper
Spaying
This is called cat perfume so this is to be done on anything that does not smell nice or of you.
Best not to do this when your human is in the room unfortunately they don't appreciate cat perfume like we do and you will get scolded even though I can't work out why as they spend a fortune on perfumes when they can get it for free from us cats.
Top marks if done on anything that is new to your human
Doors
Doors are to be kept open at all times. your human will try to close all doors you must protest and tell them this. unfortunately humans do not understand us cats they are the inferior species and therefore have to be trained you must do this by yelling at all closed doors this should signal to your human that they must open the door if this does not work then I suggest you claw at the door and also pull up the carpet by shredding it.
To prevent the door being closed in the first place I suggest you sprawl out your whole body and lay there so they can't close the door.
Top marks if you do this to a door that leads outside that will insure your human gets enough fresh air.
Beds
For some strange reason humans think they have a right to sleep in the big bed but us cats know differently. It is our job to teach them that big beds are for cats and therefore you must lay on the big bed taking up as much room as possible.
If you are not lucky enough to have other cat friends to lay on the big bed you must insure you sprawl out as far as you can so your human has to manoeuvre and almost do an obstacle course to get inside,don't worry this again insures your human gets good exercise.
If they dare to move you glare at them looking very displeased and even yell at them.
It is very important that you reprimand them.
From time to time your human and its mate will try to get closer together this is strictly furbibben to stop this outlandish behaviour go and lay on top of them and stare them in the eyes.
If this does not work be sure to get inside the bed with them and get in between them this should show them that you are the boss and will not tolerate that kind of behaviour.
Human toilet
As Humans are inferior they have yet to learn the art of scraping so they use a seat with a hole in which they like to call the toilet.
When humans visit the toilet you must accompany them and either sit and over see them or sit or lay on their laps.
This will insure you get extra attention as they can't move while on the toilet.
Humans will try to wipe there bottoms with a thing called toilet paper as they haven't worked out the art of licking their bottoms clean.
When they go to use toilet paper you must attack it as you want to make sure they don't leave the toilet and you lose your extra attention.
Pot plants
These are what humans use to make there house look pretty.To us cats they are a good source of food and are good toys and if your luckily enough to have a really big pot plant another place to poo.
Top marks given if you shove off a pot plant that is new or you eat it,or break it.
Be sure to look up all poisonousness plants as they don't taste nice and can kill you so be warned.
Human toys
Pen and Paper
Occasionally humans like to play with a toy called a pen they use this on paper which distracts them from giving us attention so you must insure you remove the pen and run off and hide it this will stop your human from playing and instantly diverts their attention back to you.
Newspaper
This human toy also takes their attention away from you so you must go and lay on top of it to remind them that you are still there if that does not get there attention then attack the paper as they turn the pages.
Computers
This is another human toy this again diverts their attention from you so you must insure you walk over the keyboard which will not only show up pretty patterns on the screen but will get their attention back to you.
My humans computer seems to have one of our fellow felines stuck inside and this poor soul will often yell for help asking you to get her out. I have tried to help her by patting the screen but I am yet to find a way to help her to escape.I often yell back at her to keep her company though.
I am very carful when I am near the computer as I don't want to be eaten as well.
Mouse
For some draft reason the computer comes with a thing called a mouse which is very odd as it does not run or squeak like a normal mouse and you can't eat it so I am not sure why its even called a mouse,perhaps this has something to do with the cat stuck inside the computer.
TV
This is another Toy that takes the attention away from you. Best to climb onto your human and stick your face or better still your butt in your humans face and that will insure your human give you more attention.
TVs can be a good place to sleep as they are warm and can also be a good source of entertainment as you can pat the screen. Birds and balls can often be seen on the TV but I am yet to find where they go.I have checked behind the TV but there is nothing there.
Well may furry friends I hope this has been of some help to you in training your humans well.If all else fails remember that humans are inferior to us and that they are just here to give as attention,give tasty food and lovely toys to entertain us.It does take some time to train your human well so please do not disown at first sight of trouble.
