Difficult situation. what's the right thing to do?

[dolcetta46]

Thanks Nicola and Dawn for your advice!!  Actually I was also thinking if it is possible for the 12 year old girl to participate in some volunteer work once the summer break kicks in, I believe if this can be done, it would be the best training for her.  She, I am quite sure will have to take the initiative of the cat care in general if they are going to have one, needs to know every aspect of the commitment, not just the fun stuff and must be sure she can cope with it on a daily basis.  If not, they need to work with Oliver but the boy tend to get overzealous with our cat every time they come over, and Oliver is less enthused about this idea for sure.  But then again, the boy needs to learn to respect the need or a cat and learn more of the behaviour/tendency of the cats as well, so it is probably beneficial for him to learn to restrain himself rather than chasing relentlessly around the cat and tormenting him.
But really I believe the one who needs the heaviest dose of education is the mother.  We have still a few months at least to work on and decide, so we do all we can and see how it goes... and I will keep you posted.  Thanks again!!

BTW Dawn, I guess it is a bit of a mediterranean tendency about the attitude towards cats in some rural part of Italy.  When I was living in Andalucia, Spain (it was early 90's), many Spaniards in the region didn't consider cats as "house pets" either.  But of course it has changed in modern times and places.  The word you are talking about is "schifo", yep it is the equivalent of gross, disgusting, yucky etc. etc., widely used colloquial expression!  And the girl needs to get her taste of cleaning the litter tray definitely, as I am pretty sure her first reaction will be "ewww, che schifoooo!!"  She needs to overcome that shock and that will be the starting point!!

[Dawn F]

I know that my oh's Italian family think it is pretty disgusting that we let the cats in the house and particularly in the bedrooms but I think that it is a more rural mindset the word they used I can't spell but was something like skefow - however if the children's mother has this hygiene thing going on maybe you could suggest the children get more involved with Oliver when they are with you, maybe feeding or brushing him and see how they go, if they get bored (as lots of kids do) you have your answer

[unseeliechylde]

Ooh, Licia, this is a toughie! Is there any way they could foster from a local rescue society for a week or a month to see how she and the kids would cope? At least that way they could also get some support and advice from the organisation, which she might be more inclined to listen to as it's from an "official" source. It also means she can reassure herself that there is no pressure to keep the cat indefinately, so she might feel less cornered and more relaxed about it, which could help bring her round. It might also be worth suggesting to the 12 year old that she volunteer at a rescue for a while, so she can see both sides of cat ownership - not just the fun stuff, and that she realises how many people take cats on and have to give them up. She would also learn a lot about cat care and health.
Good luck whatever happens, and keep up posted!

[dolcetta46]

Lol Mary, I thought of that mechanical one myself as well!!  That's exactly for someone like her...  we will work with the kids during the summer and consider all the possibilities, pros and cons, and will make the decision before the summer break is over. Thanks again peeps for your input and advices!!

[maryas]

Oh Licia, I do feel sorry for you being in the middle of all this.

She is never going to let a kitten in the house as it could ruin her furniture, so if anything I think it will have to be an adult cat. Maybe she had a bad experience with an animal when she was young and that's why she is scared of them - I mean what harm can poor little Napoleon do to her!!!?

I think the children should give up for the moment and then ask again in a few months - that way she will know they are serious about wanting a cat and not just a whim. 

This is a very very difficult one - perhaps she should haveone of those mechanical ones I put on a post a few months back!!!

Good luck.

Mary

[dolcetta46]

Thank you so much for your response and advices... there are several key factors that really worries me.

1. It appears that she doesn't like ANY animals.  She wouldn't be willing to touch Oliver even if we are holding him, she decidedly recoiled away from my tiny little hamster Napoleon in my hands, and she is terrified of any dog that she encounters on a street, even if it's a scrawny little chihuahua.

2. She just doesn't take care of things if they don't interest her.  The once lovely kitchen my partner had built is now a semi ruin.  Many of the Christmas/birthday presents her children received just sits in the garage unused, no matter how much the kids beg for them, if any effort is required (like taking them to proper place to play with them, or some work to put it together), if my partner doesn't do it for them.  And if one of them becomes the cat?

3. She can be so obsessive compulsive over "hygenes", although, to make a long story short, their household is full of contradictions when it comes to the question of hygene or general cleanliness.  A trace of sand from the litter box on the floor or an accident or two on the floor, or tiny scratch her little son may get while playing may be the sign of doom for the poor cat.

But then again, like you guys said, things MAY turn out all okay, there is no knowing.  Perhaps I am the one who is being paranoid, but I guess we just have to keep as close a watch on them and try our best to educate the kids.  We just talked them out of going to the rescue right away and pick up the cat, in a little more than a month the kids will be out of school and then we may let them spend some time with our cat (if he permits them that is..) or visit the cat colony in town, also as suggested let them read some books and study before they actually bring a cat home.
We would also like to persuade them, if possible to get a more mature cat than a itsy bitsy kitten like they are wanting, I just see plain black at the picture of a unruly little baby kitten in an unexperienced kids and a reluctant mother!

[blackcat]

I think that if someone is willing to care for one sort of animal, that generally speaking, they will be unwilling to allow any animal in their household to suffer, even if it is not an animal they like. In addition, she is presumably going to want to set an example to her children about the standard of care they should provide the animal, so should be willing to lead by example ...

[lucy]

Mum tolerated a dog and two cats for my brother and my benefit, she would really have preferred a pet stone  , but she looked after them all well. OH makes a show of not being as into cats as daughter & I are, but we know he is attached really and looked after Binky and Xanthe well if we were away. So it may turn out OK!

[blackcat]

My father was also a cat-hater, actively a hater. He tolerated our cats, but never engaged with them at all. We ganged up on him and bought him a burmese. Pumpkin. I have never seen such a shift in a person's attitude. He became actively soppy about punky and would have spent his last penny looking after her. Sometimes it depends on the cat ... Also, if she buys it for the children, she will retain that distance she shows. So make sure she recognises that she is buying it for her, not just the kids ...

[Bazsmum]

Is there a simple book you could get them on cat care.

All the best

Sounds like a great idea....the art is to slip things in without her feeling stupid! 

[alisonandarchie]

Is there a simple book you could get them on cat care.

All the best

[maryas]

Licia I think it will be ok if you could make sure the kids understand what they need to look out for and educate them about cat behaviour then if Cristiano's ex wife loves her children she will do anything they ask for their cat - flea treatment, vet visits etc.

Good luck. 

Mary

[dolcetta46]

Probably wont be as bad as you think and if all else fails would you be able to step in and take the cat if the worst came to the worst?

Good call Yvonne, very true!!  Yes I have heard the power of cats who have converted many non-cat people to a genuine cat people once they had the experience.  She just demonstrated too many negative qualities in my observations for me to really trust her in this sort of endeavour, but true that the 12 year girl can be quite assertive when it needs to be, so perhaps it is a good idea to have a good talk with the girl and make sure that she is aware of exactly what is needed to take care of a pet and this must be carried out no ifs or no buts, she may be capable of that, including making her mother provide for the cat appropriately, and probably that is the only practical approach.

Wish us luck and thank you so much for your advice!!

[Yvonne]

If an anecdote will help - the lady in question sounds just like my sister in law, definitely not animal orientated, but, my niece nagged and nagged for many years and in the end my sister in law relented, she had never had pets at home as a child.  They bought Tizzy, a Manx kitten, from a local farm, I asked my sister in law how it was going and she said that Tizzy was growing on her - Tizzy is now nine years old.  I would say that they are as good as the next pet owner, or maybe slightly better because the cat appears to have a great life.

Just be on hand to remind her about injections and vet visits etc, including worming.

Probably wont be as bad as you think and if all else fails would you be able to step in and take the cat if the worst came to the worst?

[dolcetta46]

My partner Cristiano´s children (girl 12 & boy 9) who live with their mother on the other part of Rome, after seeing our Oiver a few times now they are wanting and insisting for their own cat. The mother, who has been saying no for the longest time, is now wavering and considering the opportunity and she is asking for our assistance and advice.

We think it would do so much good for the kids to have a pet to look after, and as far as we are concerned about them & the cat, we are all for the idea.

The huge problem however, is the mother. Throughout my observation, it is quite clear that she is definitely not an animal oriented person. She just doesn´t have the genuine feeling or any understanding for them. I have overheard the telephone conversation between her and Cris, and she was saying so many absurd things if I were a kitten owner, I would not want to give mine to her household at all.
I am sure the children would love the new cat sincerely and try to look after him/her all they can, but at the end of the day, they are not old enough to take the full responsibility. For example if the cat needs a vet care, would the mother do so in a timely manner. I have a big doubt.

As much as I wish the kids could have their pet, but I am also concerned seriously about the consequence because of the mother´s attitude towards the animals. We are not exactly neighbours and Cris is very busy with his work, we won´t be able to keep an eye on them too regularly either.

Do you think it is possible for them to have their wish come true, or it is not a good idea? What would you suggest if you were in such a situation?