Purrs In Our Hearts - Cat Forum UK
Cat General => General Cat Chat => Topic started by: swampmaxmum on October 27, 2007, 19:33:49 PM
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I need peep's advice. My relatives live quite far from here, as in it takes a whole day to go and see them and come back (early am to late eve). They know that I am bonkers about my boys and that they are old and need care and I hate leaving them. However they take huge offence if I don't go there at Xmas, which I don't want to do (and know the invitation's going to arrive any time). Last year I told the truth and said Swampy was too ill and I'm sorry but I'm not comfortable leaving him all day and they were upset and took it personally (they have a cat, which they care about and for, but it's 'a cat'). OH thinks we can't always rebuff the relatives, (even if some of them are best avoided lol) as we don't have much family. Sooooo - do I make up an excuse that we've been invited elsewhere?!
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I know it's an outright lie, but I once told some relatives that the cat was on medication which had to be givenat set times. It makes me sound awful but it was never pleasant going to see them.
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Can you invite the relatives to yours? If you say you have been invitied somewhere else they may just say "Oh ok how about coming on X date instead" then you are back to square one.
Either that or you could accept and then come down with a nasty dose flu about a week before and cancel then ;) (I know it's a bit sneaky but needs must).
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Either that or you could accept and then come down with a nasty dose flu about a week before and cancel then ;) (I know it's a bit sneaky but needs must).
Just what I was thinking Sam :shify: :evillaugh:
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100% Agree with Sam, few days before Xmas ask OH to call and say you have a bad cold and you dont want them to catch it from you,so best is to stay home and pretend you are really disappointed ,becos you were looking forward to make up for last year :evillaugh:, Its just a white lie, not to upset them ;)
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I think its a bit cruel to tell them so close to Christmas cos of food and stuff, I would just be honest and say you have a family Christmas planned with the cats and therefore cannot come. They will get the hang of it eventually :evillaugh: :evillaugh:
I dropped out of family Chrismas many many years ago even before Kocka arrived and once she did she was my family and I wasnt gonna leave her.
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As you get invited to their house every year how about inviting them to your house, you could say that you would like a chance to return their hospitality.
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I agree with inviting them to you, but book a hotel for lunch so that you don't have to do all the cooking ;D
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i know how you feel were still waiting for my mum in law to be to get the hint were not going this year.
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My mum was a bit upset this year when I told her that I wont be driving anywhere ! I bet I still pop over at some point as my sis is making me feel bad ! I refuse to go anywhere else though.. it is secretly as I have Leo now !!!
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Well I have the perfect reason not to go anywhere for more than a couple of hours, 11 stark raving bonker bengals need me :evillaugh:
(and of course the lovely Stitchy). :Luv:
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With me it would depend on how close the relatives (i.e. how related) are, how often I go to see them and whether I liked them or not. Had very bad experience in the past putting myself out for an aunt a great deal over many years and it all went sour. It's something I wouldn't do again. Life's too short.
If you go to see them during the year I don't see why they should take offence at you not going at Christmas. I take the point that you don't have many rellies but, if you constantly give in, it will be expected of you every year. It's just bullying. Easier said than done I know but I would try and resist making an excuse and just say you prefer to stay at home for Christmas.
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I'd agree with Sam, can you not invite them to yours this year before you get the invite from them??
I'm lucky (well sometimes not) in that my close family all live within 10 miles of me so i don't have far to travel. I love Xmas and enjoy spending it in my own home with my cat family
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Thanks for the advice! Well I can't ask them here as it's not just them (or I would). It's the extended family and some of their friends too. My flat isn't able to cope with that (and nor is SMMum to be honest). I do plan to ask them over one weekend soon; only problem is OH has an exam in December so he studies at weekends. When they come they will hopefully notice that Swampy's looking old and is frail. If they lived close by it would be doable. They are my cousins and I really do care a lot about them - except her mother who is an appalling, racist old bat. Even that I can cope with though as we have secret competitions on counting how many offensive remarks she makes per minute/hour :P
I've tried being honest and it didn't go down well. They are offended. So I'm thinking of conniving with another friend who's just got separated to say she is coming here as her kids are off away with friends. The health thing won't work as they'll ask to speak to me anyhow and OH will never win any Oscars anyhow that's for sure ! He also likes being around people at Xmas as we are otherwise stuck on our own with the furries and it bothers him - the whole Xmas thing probably sigh.
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The first Christmas that I had Bertie, he was 3 months old and myself and my OH at the time were due to be spending Christmas with his mum on the other side of the country, but there was no one to feed the kittens. So I drove there Christmas morning and drove back in the evening, leaving OH there ... I swear they all thought I was mad, but the cats were my priority ... Christmas should be about spending time with whoever you most want to be with, and if it's your cats, that's entirely up to you and is no one else's business.
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I cant actually believe what Im reading!!!
You lot are meant to be adults.
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What do you mean Red?
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Christmas should be about spending time with whoever you most want to be with, and if it's your cats, that's entirely up to you and is no one else's business.
With that I would agree. I personally would always be truthful (I think ;D) and just say I am not coming as I need to spend the time with my cat/s. If they didn't like it that would be their problem. If you lie then you have to keep up the pretence each time they ask you to visit. One of the problems which makes the situation more complicated I think is the fact OH will never win any Oscars anyhow that's for sure ! He also likes being around people at Xmas as we are otherwise stuck on our own with the furries and it bothers him
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What do you mean Red?
Im baffled on this too !
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Me too Lisa - I think my post is responsible for this comment but I'm not sure what I said wrong!
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Nothing as far as I can see hon :Dont know:
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Your asking if its ok to lie and people are giving you excuses!!!
Tell them the TRUTH or like most other people come to an arrangement.
What makes me laugh is that its for ONE day!!! Your cats will be fine but to pretend there ill is sad (as one person suggested)!
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SpecialRed,
I'm afraid that it is another case of someone not knowing the whole story, jumping to conclusions and making quite personal remarks.
If you knew (and cared) about SwampMax as most of us do you would have a better understanding of the topic.
Fair enough you have an opinion but to be honest i thought your comments were quite personal.
Anyways, Good Luck SwampMaxMum :hug: It is funny how Christmas causes so many problems ;) My mum is quite disappointed that we won't going round on Christmas Day but i can't be bothered to be honest! Would rather be with OH and cats. We'll see them Christmas Eve or something
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We are talking about a special needs cat here who has been ill a long time and is currently having problems again and we all care about him and understand that although its only one day , everyday at this point in a cats life is important.
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Just thinking this one through. I wonder if one solution would be to say you'd love to see them Christmas Day but they know you worry about the cats because of their problems. You realise you can't have everyone to yours because it isn't practical, but you'd like to invite just them for a special "Christmas celebration" maybe the week before the big day - that way you they get to see you, you get to see them, you can stay at home to be with your babies and you've made the invitation. If they say "it won't be the same" you can agree, but you can say it will be lovely to have them anyway and it would give you much pleasure. That way it's up to them - if they refuse they can hardly accuse you of being thoughtless. It's all about compromise. :hug:
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Sounds like a great idea Sue ;D
Thats basically what we'll do, my mum will have everyone round in between Christmas and New Year and its better for everyone. :)
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Christmas is about goodwill and generosity, but it doesn't have to be about sacrificing your own peace of mind for someone else's expectations, whether that's emotionally or financially.
(Paddy says he doesn't agree, I'm his own personal slave worshipping at his own personal sacrificial altar and could he have another prawn now please, quick as you like n everyfink.... :evillaugh:)
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thanks for your support! Well the problem's sorted. My cousins are coming over before Xmas. My friends from abroad want to come for Xmas if she's well enough (a special, special needs person to go with my special needs feline :hug:). I spoke to my cousin who, when I said I'm caring for Swamp virtually constantly now, said "well that's how it is" so I hope she now does understand as I do care deeply for them.
Xmas for me is not a shop fest, but a time to be with those you love the most which for me is OH and my boys.
xx
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Brilliant News! ;D
So glad its all sorted and well done you for being honest, you'll have a great time and I bet you will feel much more settled on Christmas Day with your OH and your gorgeous boys :hug:
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As my mum would like me to go there for xmas im taking the kittens with me :rofl:
But it is easier for me as its not far to go and neithier of them are poorly
:rofl:
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Pleased this is sorted now so now to get the youing man sorted tomorrow :hug:
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We are talking about a special needs cat here who has been ill a long time and is currently having problems again and we all care about him and understand that although its only one day , everyday at this point in a cats life is important.
Well be honest then!! Email Gills comment to them!!!
I dont care about the particulars as making up lies is NEVER acceptable! If the Cats ill tell them exactly why you wont be coming this Christmas.
Edit - I see you have now sorted it out by telling the truth, good on you!
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We are talking about a special needs cat here who has been ill a long time and is currently having problems again and we all care about him and understand that although its only one day , everyday at this point in a cats life is important.
Well be honest then!! Email Gills comment to them!!!
I dont care about the particulars as making up lies is NEVER acceptable! If the Cats ill tell them exactly why you wont be coming this Christmas. Your cats the pussy not you!
I wouldnt put it like that bit OTT ! :shify:
Though i dont think lying would help even if they might not understand the reason They should under stand the effort you are making in being honest with them at least
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Well, am very pleased there's no need to have to explain, lie or justify now, 'cos you've been able to sort it out to everyone's satisfaction. I hope that everything goes off really well, and you can enjoy your cousins' visit and seeing your friend at Christmas. Cracker anyone.....?
:Party 3:
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I'm glad you've worked something out ;D
In theory it's fine to say never lie, but in reality where families are concerned it can be difficult, especially when you don't want to hurt people's feelings. If I'd been 100% honest the past few years at xmas time (won't go into it all here) all it would have achieved would be to upset my mum - who's elderly and not in good health - at xmas and make it an awkward time for everyone.
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We are talking about a special needs cat here who has been ill a long time and is currently having problems again and we all care about him and understand that although its only one day , everyday at this point in a cats life is important.
Your cats the pussy not you!
I feel this is a tad harsh.
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I'm glad you've worked something out ;D
In theory it's fine to say never lie, but in reality where families are concerned it can be difficult, especially when you don't want to hurt people's feelings. If I'd been 100% honest the past few years at xmas time (won't go into it all here) all it would have achieved would be to upset my mum - who's elderly and not in good health - at xmas and make it an awkward time for everyone.
I understand that its not always EASY to tell the truth but in this instance it was obviously the best way and Im sure she feels better for it than if she had lied.
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Glad that its all sorted, I know that I would rather spend Christmas with my cats and my OH than bickering family (love them to bits but hate the bickering). Im lucky because we are only 40mins away so we just go for a few hours and come home again.
SpecialRed - has someone upset you?? you seem to have a real "bee in the bonnet" at the moment - can you put your hand on your heart and say that you have NEVER lied ???
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SpecialRed - has someone upset you?? you seem to have a real "bee in the bonnet" at the moment - can you put your hand on your heart and say that you have NEVER lied ???
I was going to say the exact same thing !
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Hi swampmax, was reading your posts and not sure if i missed it or not but are your parents gonna come over too ?
modified :doh: you never mentioned parents sorry, just relatives :doh: Glad your cousin understood ;)
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The answer Girls is YES! lol The mod who removed my post was the final straw! I would lie when its unavoidable and for the best, not over a issue like this thats all. Like I said Im glad she got her point accross without the need to lie!
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The point is that you dont know her relatives and if telling a lie avoids people getting upset or offended then to my mind it is "unavoidable" to save peoples feelings.
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Huh. I like spending Christmas with family. Am I odd? My partner and I get up early open our pressies to each other and the cats "open their pressies." I put them down their Christmas dinner, then my partner and I go to my mums and me and my siblings meet up there and open family pressies. I guess it's easier because we mostly live fairly close to each other.
Anyway, glad it's all sorted and you got to spend Christmas with who you wanted to! ;)
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Huh. I like spending Christmas with family. Am I odd
Not at odd all, you are just doing what you want to do and what fits into your lifestyle.
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Whooo, I wasn't trying to start an argument - just telling the truth and nothing but the truth hurt my cousin's feelings last Xmas and I don't like hurting her. My cats are my children and she doesn't really understand that. It's taken her a year and now she just accepts it for what it is.
When the boys were younger, we used to leave them to go out to family Xmas lunches. High-care though means just that. People would make allowances for a sick baby, but somehow they can't get their heads around a sick pet. Voila. All sorted anyhow. Isn't it horrendous to be talking about Xmas in October though. It's not like it fast forwards the winter.
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Huh. I like spending Christmas with family. Am I odd?
Yes ;)
We take the cats with us when we go over to my in laws for Christmas. Gets me out of cooking dinners!
I whine horribly when I want to go home and blame it on the cats, they need all their toys etc...
Glad it's all sorted in the end though ;)
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Huh. I like spending Christmas with family. Am I odd?
Yes ;)
Hehe! Sorry, Swampy I didn't realise one of your furbabes was actually ill - I thought it was a polite get out clause!
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JS, I quite like it too, I wish we were nearer though as its a bit of a trek to the old family home for Christmas Dinner - last year was my first year of ME doing the dinner - with just me, OH and the cats but I would go to parents house if it was nearer as I am a bit of a stickler for tradition (and not having to do so much washing up all to myself) :rofl:
Swamp, glad you sorted it out - I think we on purrs definitely know what you mean by saying your cats are your children :hug:
Ooooh i'm quite Christmas-excited now :evillaugh:
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I have to admit to having NEVER made a Christmas dinner. I've not lived at the family home for 14 years, but still go back there every Christmas Day for my full Christmas dinner! My partner suggested we go somewhere different a couple of years ago, and I threw a strop about it! :rofl:
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I love making Christmas dinner, its the one day of the year I'll do it all properly ;D
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Christmas dinner is the only meal I cook LOL, but I have it usually on Christmas Eve and then cold turkey on Christmas day. However its not so much fun now cos my four cats wont eat turkey :(
Last year it didnt work cos my brother visited Christmas Eve but dont think that will happen this year.
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We made it clear after one christmas away from the cats - we only had 2 at the time that we wouldn't be doing it again it broke my heart to leave them and their "New" daddy - we had been together for only 6 months at the time!
Now we spend Christmas at home on our own with the cats and dogs, on 27 Dec we drive 150 miles to celebrate my Dads birthday with the dogs and his friend Elaine then we come home and wait for the inlaws and Elaine and her Cat and dog to come for a week at New Year. It works well and means that for nearly a week the cats and dogs have parents at home with no visitors!!!! ;)